Zen habits with English-French Dictionary by Leo Babauta (online free books)

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Table of Content

Zen habits Text

Introduction

Become the Master of Change

The art of life lies in a constant readjustment to our surroundings.

Okakura Kakuzo

Imagine you could take a magic wand and use it to instantly change something about yourself. What would you change? Would it be ending procrastination, pursuing creativity, exercising and getting fit, being more disciplined, having better relationships, being happier with yourself, being more mindful, learning new skills, getting out of debt?

Now ask yourself this: what is stopping you from making this change? The steps to make your change are likely fairly easy. Why don’t we make these changes?

It’s because in the deep dark recesses of our brains, unseen and unknown to most of us, our minds have been working against us.

I first discovered this in 2005, when I tried to quit smoking and start running. I couldn’t figure out why I kept failing at habit changes, why I had none of the discipline I thought I had. What was wrong with me?

The discovery came when I started to watch my thoughts, like watching a film inside my head. It was totally insane, once I saw what was going on: I would re- solve to go the day without smoking, and my mind would completely believe that. Then when the going got a little difficult, an urge to smoke would appear, out of habit. I didn’t want the urge, but it just arose out of nowhere really.

But then another part of my mind said, "No! You said you wouldn’t smoke today." And the first part, that had the urge, would say, "But just this once won’t hurt. Why not make yourself happy this once? Why make yourself suffer? What are you doing this for? Is it even worth it?"

Usually this debate would happen unseen, and I’d almost immediately give in. But now I was watching, and I couldn’t believe how strong my mind could become when it really wanted to escape discomfort. It would rationalize, bargain, plead, cry, ask for mercy, negotiate some more. It was a little child, doing whatever it could to get its way.

What I learned from this was not only to watch what was going on, to watch the movie playing in my head, but how to overcome it. I learned how to see the film that was playing in my mind as the root of all my problems.

THE ONE PROBLEM

There’s a projector in our minds, and it’s constantly playing a movie about how we’d like things to be, our ideals about the world, our expectations of how things will turn out, how others should be, how we should be. These images aren’t based on reality, but are just a fantasy this film projector has created from nothing.

The mind, as talented and well-intentioned and clever as it is, is at the root of the One Problem. The mind seeks comfort and pleasure and control, and runs from discomfort and fear and change. That’s why it plays this movie all the time-it’s trying to create a perfect image that keeps the fears of discomfort and change and uncertainty away. What’s the problem with that?

Well, it stops us from doing what we want to do, from productive work to changing habits, because we’re afraid and we procrastinate and we avoid.

Unfortunately, the real world never quite matches this movie. We have a plan for our day and things come up unexpectedly. We have expectations of how others will act, and they decide to behave differently. We have expectations of how disciplined we should be, and then we fail to live up to them.

The reality of life never lives up to the movie that plays in our heads, and this causes all kinds of problems.

And as I’ve worked with people to help them change their habits, I’ve found that all of our problems come down to one problem, with the movie playing in our minds at the root of this problem.

Let me repeat that: all our problems are really just one single problem. The One Problem of the Mind Movie.

Imagine learning how to recognize this Mind Movie, and finding a method to solve the problem. You’d be able to handle anything, because you’d have a method for get- ting at the root of any problem.

A few things this wonderful mind leads us to do:

•Procrastinate when we have difficult work to do.

•Avoid exercise and seek the comforts of the Internet.

•Eat unhealthy food and gain too much weight.

•Become overwhelmed, stressed out, full of anxiety.

•Put off meeting new people because we’re afraid.

•Avoid pursuing our dreams, building a business, finding our fulfilling careers.

•Avoid facing our debts so we can start building a stronger financial foundation.

•Put off our creative pursuits or the learning we’ve been wanting to do.

•Fail at new habits.

•Smoke, drink to excess, become addicted to drugs, even though we know these things aren’t good for us.

•Doubt ourselves, feel bad about ourselves, compare ourselves to others.

•Become angry, frustrated, judgmental of others.

Busy mind.

Which means, if we can find the method to solve the One Problem, we’ll have the keys to removing the obstacles in our lives, and our paths will be smoother.

That’s what I discovered when I learned to become aware of the Mind Movie: if I turned my attention from the movie to reality, I could see how great reality was, without the movie. I could take action without the fears, being in the moment. I could go without smoking because I no longer had the ideal of needing to smoke-reality was great without the smoking.

I could go for a run because I no longer had the ideal of being in comfort all the time-the reality of the discomfort wasn’t too bad, and in fact I eventually learned to associate this discomfort with the wonders of growth and learning.

Learning to turn from the Mind Movie to reality, and appreciate reality for what it is, changed my life. I could now act without fear, make changes without procrastination.

WHAT THIS BOOK WILL TEACH YOU

What you’ll learn from this book isn’t how to make yourself a better person-it’s how to remove the things that get in your way. When we do that, we have happiness, peace. We no longer feel anxious, we don’t need to procrastinate, we let go of anger and resentment, and we can fully live in this moment, enjoying it.

That’s what this book is about. Delving into the One Problem of the Mind Movie, and practicing with this method by experimenting with a small change . . . and in the process, mastering the skills of discomfort and change.

With these skills, we’ll learn to form mindful habits that will make us good at any change we want to make and learn the flexibility we need to stick to that change for the long term. We’ll learn to deal with stress and anxiety, with frustration with ourselves and others, with procrastination and debt, and more.

We’ll become masters of change. This is the Zen Habits Method.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

The biggest mistake you’ll make is skimming through this book and then putting it aside, hoping you’ve gleaned a few useful pieces of knowledge. The skills we’ll talk about in this book aren’t things you can read about and then know. You need to practice them.

So what we’ll be doing is creating change as you read the book. One small step at a time. It’s the only way to truly understand the concepts of the book-put them into practice.

What I’ve laid out is a step-by-step plan for change, one step at the end of each chapter. You’ll pick one small change to make, and implement it during the course of the book.

This means you’ll be taking the first step in getting used to discomfort, and also practicing a key principle that has helped me to change my life completely: Slow Change. It’s profoundly important, and yet slow change is difficult for most people because they want results right away.

Finally, this book will require a commitment: you’ll need to set aside time to read and practice it. This small time investment, of just 10 minutes a day, will result in great changes in your life if you can commit to it.

THE CHALLENGE: COMMIT TO MAKING A SMALL CHANGE

I hereby issue a challenge to you: Commit to reading a chapter of this book every day (they’re short chapters), and commit to making one small change in your life as you read this book. Part of this commitment will be to do the daily missions at the end of each chapter. Write this commitment down, put it in your calendar, and tell someone else about it.

This challenge is essential to this book: if you put the ideas into action, you’ll truly understand them and get good at change. If you just read the book without acting (which you are probably tempted to do), you’re wasting your time.

So: Are you up for the challenge? If you are, make a decision this minute to make one small change as you read this book. Don’t be on the fence, or say you’ll think about it later-commit right now.

PART I Getting Started

This section aims at preparing you to make a habit change, setting yourself up for success, and getting started. Many people don’t ever get started, because of their minds’ resistance. Many of us start but don’t keep going when resistance comes up. I’ll show you how to overcome those common problems.

0 - Why make a change?

Before we dive into how to make a change, and how to deal with change . . . we should start at the beginning, and talk about why it’s important at all. Why should you put all this effort into change?

In my life, it’s become very obvious what change has meant to me. I was an overweight, sedentary smoker who was broke and deeply in debt, stuck in procrastination, surrounded by clutter and disorganization, with no time for important things like my family and health and writing. I wanted to make changes, because I was unhappy with myself, but I couldn’t figure out how to change. I was stuck.

When I learned how to change habits, I became unstuck. I learned about myself, and mindfulness, and enjoying the process rather than focusing on the outcome or goal. I learned that I can change things that made me unhappy, instead of being stuck in a rut. I learned to become happy with myself, not because I was now fitter or more productive, but because I trusted myself.

I built that trust, one step at a time.

My life transformed, one small step after the other.

I became a different person.

That said, life wasn’t without frustrations. Every time I thought I knew how to change habits, I’d come across a new obstacle. I found frustrations in other areas, like relationships and working with other people and dealing with criticism. I wasn’t always good at dealing with frustrations.

By creating the habit of mindfulness, I learned to see what what going on, to deal with the frustrations, and to be able to make more conscious choices.

I became calmer, more at peace, less frustrated with others and myself. My relationships improved as I became a better husband, friend, colleague, father. I’m not perfect by any means-there’s no such thing as perfect-but I’m better at dealing with others and myself. I’m happier with others and myself.

Those are amazing results, though I could not have predicted nor controlled them. They emerged from learning about changes.

And that’s the biggest reason to make changes and to get better at dealing with changes: you learn an amazing amount about how you work, about others, about life. This has been an unimaginable learning experience for me, and it hasn’t ended and (I hope) never will.

I wish these same learning experiences for you and hope to guide you along the way.

MISSION: CHECK YOUR COMMITMENT

One very common problem people face is that they say, "Oh, I should start exercising," but then don’t actually take the action needed to get started. In their minds, they haven’t overcome the initial resistance to starting.

You’re going to work on overcoming that in the next few chapters, but for today, just ask yourself: how committed am I to making a new change, and to actually starting it in the next week?

1 - Create a space

For many years, I had a hard time making changes-mostly, as it turns out, because I didn’t really understand how change works. I would struggle and fail and then feel bad about myself, thinking I was not as disciplined as I liked, wondering what was wrong with me.

I tried to start a new diet probably half a dozen times and inevitably failed before the week was up. I tried to quit smoking seven times and failed each time. I tried new exercise programs and gave up each time after a week or so. I struggled to get out of debt.

I didn’t understand what was going on, and so I kept failing, and blaming it on myself.

It wasn’t until I successfully changed a habit (quitting smoking) that I began to understand how change works. Then I applied those lessons to running, and ran a marathon; then to eating healthy, and lost more than 60 lbs.; then to decluttering, and got rid of all my junk; then to debt, and became debt free; and eventually to much more.

I learned about change through doing it. One change at a time.

The only way to truly learn about change is to do it. You have to try something, make mistakes, correct those mistakes, and increase your understanding through this process of trial and error. You can’t just read about change and understand it-you need to put it into action.

CREATE A SPACE FOR ONE CHANGE

The first step in that process is to pick a change. Just one. While most of us have multiple changes we’d like to make, all at once, I’ve learned from repeated experience that trying to do multiple habits at once is a beautiful recipe for habit failure.

The reason is that each change we make takes much more focus and mental energy than we realize. In the beginning, we have a lot of enthusiasm for changes, and we have this idea that the change will be easy, and we’ll be successful and life will be great. This is not the reality of the change, but the fantasy we create in our heads (another Mind Movie).

In reality, the change turns out to take more work: making time for it each day, overcoming resistance, reporting to others if you have accountability set up, remembering to do it, dealing with it if other things come up, dealing with any negative consequences (like sore legs if you’re running).

So multiple changes at once means that we’re multiplying the difficulty of change, which means we’re greatly decreasing our chances of success. When making change, I’ve found that you want to increase your odds of success as much as possible.

Imagine that your life and your attention are a small room, and in this room you wanted to put a meditation cushion, a weight set for exercise, a kitchen for healthy eating, a couch for reading, a writing desk for creating a novel, a yoga mat for doing some yoga, and a tea table for mindfully drinking tea.

The tiny room would be cramped, and none of these things would have any space, and we’d not really be able to do any of them. This is what happens when we try to do multiple habits at once: we overfill the small space of our lives and our attention so that we have no room for anything.

Instead, imagine that we only had one thing in that room-let’s say the writing desk. That’s all that’s in the room for the moment. This desk would have space, and the writing would get our full attention.

Create space for your habit change, by doing one habit at a time, and you’ll do your best job on that habit.

What do we do if we have lots of changes we want to make, though? We need to let go of the ideal (the Mind Movie) that we’ll be able to make all our life changes at the same time. We can’t do everything at once. Let go of the idea of doing everything, and just create space to do one thing well. You’ll have time to get to the other changes later: this is a marathon, not a sprint.

How do you make a choice when you aren’t clear which habit would be the best starting point? Pick any one-it doesn’t matter too much which change you start with. In the long run, you’ll make all the changes you want, but for now, it’s best to just make a quick decision and pick one, even if it’s random or a complete gut decision.

MISSION: PICK ONE HABIT

Today, pick one very small, actionable habit change to make during the course of this book. What we want is a very small, very easy, specific change that you can make to your daily life. A few examples:

1.Drink a glass of water in the morning.

2.Have a cup of green tea in the afternoon.

3.Eat one fruit with lunch.

4.Do five pushups.

5.Do yoga for two minutes.

6.Meditate for two minutes.

7.Go for a five-minute walk.

8.Write for two minutes.

9.Declutter for two minutes.

10.Stretch for one minute.

As you can see, these are all meant to be exceedingly easy changes. Just pick one for now. What we’ll learn as we work on making this change is the nature of change itself.

Don’t actually start on the change yet. Just pick one, and write it down in a document on your computer, or on paper. This will be the start of your Habit Plan (see the Habit Plan Guide in the appendix).

2 - Overcome the Childish Mind

When I first started to form the running habit, I had read the advice that it’s important to exercise 30 minutes a day, and so I aimed for 30 minutes of running. This turned out to be a big mistake for two reasons.

First, I couldn’t run that far, as I was very out of shape. Second, even if I could struggle through 30 minutes of running, it seemed like massively difficult work. My brain would try to weasel out of it. I repeatedly failed to create the running habit, because I learned that it’s very easy to start big and then fail. This happens almost every time.

Remember the truth about the mind when it comes to change: it’s a little child. Imagine that your brain is a child that wants pleasure and wants to get what it wants, and it really wants to get out of discomfort.

This Childish Mind will do everything it can to get out of discomfort. It will make you run from exercise, from doing difficult tasks, from new and confusing things. The Childish Mind will make excuses, rationalizations, beg to quit. It’s very, very good at what it does, and it’s constantly working against our best intentions.

I learned how to overcome this Childish Mind Syndrome: I made my running habit ridiculously easy. I told myself all I had to do was go out and run for a few minutes. My Childish Mind couldn’t object to that, because it was so easy! And when you make your habit change easy, I’ve learned, the Childish Mind actually doesn’t work against you in the beginning.

What I learned from this was to always lower my barrier to entry for habit change. I started meditating by just doing two minutes a day. I started eating healthier with one small change (vegetable at dinner). I started decluttering with just one small surface that only took a few minutes. I paid one small debt. The smallest step you can possibly take is the best way to start.

Eventually I started running for seven minutes, and then 10, then 15, and soon I was doing 30 minutes and then a 5K race. Over the course of a year I gradually built up to a 10K race, a half marathon, and then a full marathon, which was a huge triumph for me.

This taught me that from such humble beginnings as running for a few minutes, you can gradually build the habit up to a marathon. Any habit. If you want to lose weight or get out of debt, don’t try to climb the whole mountain in one bound-take one tiny step.

Don’t give your Childish Mind excuses to get out of discomfort. Learn to watch the Childish Mind in action and to take away its excuses.

MISSION: MAKE YOUR HABIT CHANGE EASY

Take a few minutes right now to take the habit you chose in the last mission and make it ridiculously easy. What is the smallest step you can take to get started? It should be so easy you feel like you’re making it too easy on your- self. write down the easy step-this will be your habit for the first week.

3 - Make a Vow

When I finally successfully quit smoking-again, after trying and failing seven times-one of the best things I did was make a Vow.

I made a vow to my wife and daughter that I would quit smoking and make the quit stick. I decided that I was making this change not just for myself, but for them. This felt more powerful than just doing it for myself.

In previous attempts, I didn’t have a good reason-I just thought it was something I should do, and so I would jump into the habit change without a powerful motivator and then give up when things got difficult.

Remember the Childish Mind: when things are uncomfortable, it wants to quit. When the urge to smoke got really strong, my Childish Mind would make up a million reasons why it was OK to smoke. If I was unprepared with a powerful reason why it wasn’t OK, I would easily give in.

But when I made a vow to my wife and daughter, it wasn’t so easy to give up. The dozens of times I felt like giving up . . . now felt like I was failing them. I made the vow to my wife because I knew that if I was smoking when her pregnancy was over, she would start smoking again, and that wasn’t good for her. So I wanted to protect her health, out of love for her.

I made the vow to my daughter because I knew that if I kept smoking, she would probably smoke one day-the statistics show this. I wanted to quit to protect her health, out of love.

This was the deeper reason: I was doing it out of love for my wife and daughter. And this is an incredible motivator when the Childish Mind starts to rebel.

What will your Vow be? You’re making a change, but is it just because it seems like a nice change? Are you doing it for vanity or selfish reasons? Be honest with yourself. See if you can find a deeper reason, to do it for the benefit of others, out of love or compassion.

Some good reasons: you want to set a good example for others, or inspire them and show it’s possible, or learn something that you can then share with others, or be stronger so you can later help others. You do it out of wanting to help, to ease the suffering of others, to protect them, to show them they’re loved.

ON NOT WASTING THIS DEWLIKE LIFE

You might also make your change so that you’re making the most of your life and not wasting the gift of the days you’ve been given on this earth. Our time here is wonderful but limited, and therefore precious and valuable.

About 2,000 years ago, the Stoic philosopher Seneca said something that moves me to this day:

"You are living as if destined to live for ever; your own frailty never occurs to you; you don’t notice how much time has already passed, but squander it as though you had a full and overflowing supply-though all the while that very day . . . may be your last."

Thinking about the limited life we have, the fleeting- ness of it all, helps me to appreciate that we have to make the most of it.

Seneca also said:

"Putting things off is the biggest waste of life: it snatches away each day as it comes, and denies us the present by promising the future. . . . The whole future lies in uncertainty: live immediately."

And 1,200 years later, in feudal Japan, the great Zen master Dogen wrote:

"Students today should begrudge every moment of time. This dewlike life fades away; time speeds swiftly. In this short life of ours, avoid involvement in superfluous things and just study the Way."

Avoid wasting time, and just study the Way-which, incidentally, is a study of the nature of change.

So make a Vow not to waste this dewlike life, to not act as if you have an unlimited supply of life. Make this small change you’re committing to as if it were the most important change of your life, as if your head were on fire.

MAKE THE TIME

If you have a powerful reason and have made a Vow, you need to make it a priority. Schedule the time for your change, so that it doesn’t get pushed back.

When will you make the change? Be specific: is it right when you wake up, or after breakfast, or after you shower, or when you arrive at work? Visualize the time and place you’ll do the change.

If you don’t make the time, you won’t do it. So figure out when you’re going to do your new habit, whatever it is: your writing, your studying, your stretching, your meditation.

MISSION: PICK A TIME & A VOW

Pick a time you’re going to do your habit each day and block off 10 minutes on your calendar and in your mind for doing the habit. Block off this time even if you’re only going to start with two minutes-you don’t need to take the full 10-minute block, but it’s best to have a cushion. Choosing a time is proof to yourself that this is a priority.

Now choose a reason why you’re doing the habit. Think about what motivated you to do the habit. Who benefits? Can you do it for someone else? Write down the reason in your Habit Plan with a Vow to yourself or someone important.

4 - The rhythm of your heartbeat

There’s an invisible mechanism in action when you’re creating a habit, one that most people never notice.

I figured this out when I was trying to quit smoking, and I started to become more aware of my urges to smoke. I soon noticed a pattern: my urges would come after certain events-eating, waking, having coffee, stress, other people smoking. These events would trigger my urge to smoke.

This taught me a key concept when it came to building habits, and I learned to apply it to every habit. Every habit must be tied to a trigger. When the trigger happens, ideally, the urge to do the habit comes up and you do the habit immediately after.

It’s like the rhythm of your heartbeat: ba-PUM, ba- PUM, ba-PUM. A double beat, the music of a pulse. The trigger is the "ba" to the habit’s "PUM."

Unfortunately, most people just try to do the new habit any time they like. I’ve seen it so many times: someone wants to form the habit of exercise, but they do it at any time that’s convenient. This might work for a little while, but what it means is that there’s no real habit forming, because it’s missing the trigger. It’s missing the first part of the heartbeat.

If no true habit forms, you’re constantly just relying on willpower, instead of the automaticity of habit.

The way a habit forms is this: if you do two things together, one after the other, enough times, they fuse in your brain like a one-two punch combo. They become the iambic heartbeat rhythm, one-TWO, ba-boom, da- DUM! It becomes automatic, so that when the trigger happens, the urge to do the habit arises without the need of willpower.

Form the heartbeat rhythm.

How do you do that? Pick a trigger that’s already in your daily routine. Something you do once a day, ide- ally: waking up, going to bed, eating breakfast, drinking the first cup of coffee, arriving at work, etc.

You could pick a trigger that happens more than once a day (getting to your desk, drinking water) or less often (sleeping in on weekends, seeing your friends every once in awhile at the bar), but those are harder to remember and fuse to a habit.

Once you’ve picked a trigger, you have to do every- thing possible to remember to do the habit immediately after the trigger happens. Set up reminders, put notes around where the trigger happens . . . make this your top priority.

When the trigger happens, do the habit. Without fail. Over and over. Until they fuse into the heartbeat rhythm.

MISSION: PICK A TRIGGER

Open up your Habit Plan and write down a trigger that’s already in your daily routine. If you decided to do your habit first thing in the morning, think about what you do every day at that time: get out of bed, drink some water, make coffee, brush your teeth, use the bathroom, put the teakettle on, check your mobile phone, etc.

If you want to do it later in the morning, think about what you normally do then (open up laptop, eat breakfast, get to work, leave for work, take a shower, get dressed, etc.). The habit could also be in the evening, but often this be- comes harder to form if you get busy around this time. Write down the trigger and start thinking of it as the start of your heartbeat.

5 - Create your groove

Imagine yourself as a kid who wakes up after a night of heavy snowfall. There’s a thick layer of snow on the ground, clean and without a path.

The first time you walk through this snow, you have a very wide array of choices for what path to take. You can walk to the left, down the middle, to the right, zig zag, walk over that hill, and so on. Not only do you have many choices of paths to take, but each one will be very difficult, because there’s a foot of snow everywhere.

Now picture walking to school the next day . . . the snow from the previous day is still there, but now there’s a bit of a path you created from yesterday’s walk. You can still create a new path, but the one you created yesterday will be a bit easier. So you take that one.

Each day, you decide to take the path already created. This is a groove in the snow that gets easier over time, until you’re probably not going to take any other path.

Creating a new habit is a lot like that: you’re creating a groove in the snow. At first, you can go anywhere, and it’s difficult going . . . but once you’ve created a groove, it’s much easier, and you don’t have to forge new paths anymore.

But here’s the twist: let’s say that the child walking in the snow is actually your Childish Mind. You want to guide the Childish Mind to choose a new habit path. You want it to take a new direction, to create the groove you’ve chosen. You want to decide which habit forms.

So instead of giving the Childish Mind a wide variety of paths to take, you want to encourage it to choose the path that will create the habit groove you’ve chosen.

Here’s how: put things in the way to block your Childish Mind mind from straying from the path you’ve chosen. You could put spikes everywhere else or big road- block barriers that force the Childish Mind to take your chosen path. Maybe place some delicious chocolates along the path to entice the Childish Mind to stay there. You can set up your new habit so that it becomes the groove.

You just need to put up roadblocks and incentives so that the right groove is created.

HOW TO CREATE YOUR GROOVE

The first thing you can put in the snow to make the groove you want is a series of incentives:

•Create little rewards for doing the habit each day

•Enjoy the ability to tell accountability partners that you did it

•Make the habit enjoyable

•Do the habit with a friend

Even more important than the incentives are the roadblocks. It’s hard to get off the path if you’ve set up some good roadblocks that keep the Childish Mind on the right path.

Good roadblocks:

•Public accountability (not wanting to report that you failed)

•An accountability partner who pushes you to succeed

•Embarrassing consequences if you fail (e.g., having to donate money to an organization you can’t stand)

•Lots of reminders so you can’t forget

•The Vow you’ve made, the deeper reason for doing the habit

By setting up the roadblocks and incentives, you’ll create an environment that is much more likely to create the habit groove you want.

I’ve learned that if you want to create a habit the right way, you set up the right environment, and you don’t rely on willpower alone to overcome the Childish Mind. Willpower inevitably fails in the face of constant resistance.

MISSION: CREATE REMINDERS

In the next few chapters, we’ll take actions to create the groove for our new habit. For today, let’s take a small action: set up reminders, so you’re more likely to start creating the habit groove you’d like to create. Open up your Habit Plan and write down what reminders you’re going to set up.

Physical reminders are often best, like big notes around where the trigger occurs (a sticky note on your laptop, a meditation cushion next to the coffee maker, running shoes next to your bed, etc.) Next would be digital reminders, like phone and calendar alarms.

Now set those reminders up, so when the trigger happens, you absolutely won’t forget.

We’ll set up the rest of your habit environment in the next few chapters.

6 - Create commitment

When I started running, I ran a 5K race, and it felt amazing. The day I finished the 5K , I got it in my head that I was going to run a marathon a year later. After all, if I could run a 5K then I could run a marathon, if I just kept training, right?

I decided to set the goal of running a marathon and to continue my regular habit of running. But I knew that I’d lose motivation when the training got harder, so I decided to create a big commitment: I signed up to write a twice- monthly column in my local newspaper about training for my first marathon.

Tens of thousands of people were reading this column, and so I knew I wouldn’t back out. I did struggle with training at times, but I couldn’t weasel out of the commitment, and neither could my Childish Mind. I ran my first marathon (slowly, with difficulties) a year after the idea entered my head.

I learned the power of public commitment from this. It was a huge motivator, and this large commitment didn’t let me off the hook when I wanted to quit.

By contrast, the times when I unsuccessfully tried to quit smoking, I would make absolutely no commitment. I’d just say to myself, "I’m going to quit smoking today," and then throw away my cigarettes. But later in the day, when the urge got really strong, I would buy a new pack, and I’d be smoking again.

The problem was that I wasn’t committed-in my mind, this attempt at quitting smoking wasn’t a big deal. It was as small a thing as taking out the trash, something that could be put off until later when other things came up.

I’ve used big commitments to form many habits now:

•I committed to changing a few diet habits, and told my friend Tynan he could throw a pie in my face if I failed and put the video on the Internet (unfortunately for Tynan, I succeeded).

•I committed to my friend Jesse that I’d write and publish this book by the end of 2014, or I’d have to eat a burger (I’m vegan, so this is a big motivator).

•I blogged about getting out of debt when I first started Zen Habits.

•I created my blog as a public accountability tool for a bunch of habits I was trying to form.

•I once made a list of all my personal possessions as a way to motivate myself to simplify.

•I’ve publicly shared my workout and eating logs in the past.

•I signed up to run my second marathon to raise money for a good cause.

•I’ve had online accountability groups, habit trackers where friends could see my progress, and other tools that would make it obvious if I wasn’t doing the habit.

•I’ve had competitions with friends, including my friend Toku, to try to stick to a habit we’d committed ourselves to.

•

THE GREASED SLOPE

In the last chapter, we talked about creating a groove in the snow. Let’s switch metaphors now, and think about a slope that keeps you on a certain path. If it’s easier to stay on the path, you’ll probably do it, and having a hill or slope on either side of the path makes it likely you’ll not stray.

But what if that were a greased slope? Even if you wanted to get off the path, climbing up a greased slope would make it really difficult. By greasing the slope, you are taking away your escapes-or the escapes of the Childish Mind.

So grease the slope that would allow you to get off the habit path.

How? By creating a big commitment-create account ability and consequences for not doing the habit, so you’ll be much more likely to stay on the habit path. This is a much more powerful tool than most people realize.

TYPES OF ACCOUNTABILITY & CONSEQUENCES

Here are some ideas for accountability and consequences you can create for yourself:

•Publicly commit to doing a habit every day, on social media, to your friends and family.

•Write a daily blog, with short updates.

•Commit to friends and family via a mass email, and promise them weekly updates.

•Create a public log of your habit, and share it with people.

•Join an accountability group and commit to them.

•Find an accountability partner and create consequences for each other if you fail.

•Make a big pledge to do something embarrassing if you fail.

•Make a pledge to give money to someone or to a political candidate or non-profit organization you don’t like.

•Pledge to ban yourself from your computer, or cell phone, if you fail; or not eat sugar or drink coffee or drink wine, or whatever would motivate you most.

•Issue a public challenge to friends to join you in a month-long habit (like writing every day, or exercising each day).

•Get a coach or join a small class.

MISSION: MAKE A COMMITMENT TO OTHERS

Add your commitment to your habit plan: what kind of accountability and consequences will you set up to grease your slope and keep you on track? Many of you might be tempted to skip this step, but that would be a mistake. Don’t give yourself an escape. Be all in.

Now actually make that commitment to others today, online, via email, or in person. Don’t start on the habit yet, though. That’s your next mission.

7 - Take the first small step

I have a writing habit that works miracles to overcome writer’s block and procrastination: I tell myself I just need to open up a document and write a few words.

I can write anything: my name, a few brief ideas, an outline, a sentence.

The act of taking this first small step is incredibly powerful. Once I start, I often keep going. If I don’t start, I can procrastinate for hours, days, trying to avoid doing some- thing difficult and uncomfortable.

I learned that this trick works for so many other habits: to start meditating, just get your butt on the cushion. To run, just get out the door. To learn a language, just press play on the tape.

Tell your Childish Mind you don’t have to do any more than that. Just the first, really easy step. And the easier the first step, the better.

There’s an old line from Bugs Bunny cartoons (and the movie Groundhog Day) that goes something like, "Watch out for that first step: it’s a doozie!" Unfortunately, that’s how our minds see the first step-it’s a lulu. It could lead to trouble, maybe even disaster, but certainly at least difficulty.

We need to reverse this idea: that first step is a cinch. It’s ridiculously easy. If we make that first step a cinch, we can get started, and then the rest is easy.

Movement begets movement. I’ve found this out in every habit I’ve attempted-when you get started, continuing is much easier. All you need to do is get moving.

Remove the barrier to starting that your Childish Mind fears by making the requirements of starting almost nothing.

Want to work out? Just do a few pushups or lift one weight. Want to eat healthier? Take one bite of a fruit or vegetable. Want to drink tea every afternoon? Just put some water in the kettle. Want to write a book? Just open a document and jot down a few notes.

Movement begets movement, so just take the smallest first step.

MISSION: DO THE HABIT ONCE

Today (or tomorrow, if it’s too late today), you should do the habit for the first time. When the trigger happens and your see your reminders, do the first small step. You don’t need to do the whole habit, just the first part. Do it once, and consider that success. If you want to keep going beyond just starting, that’s fine, but don’t go until the habit gets hard. Quit while it’s easy, for now.

And plan to do the habit tomorrow and keep the streak going. This is where the learning about change truly begins.

PART II - Mindful Change

We’ll move from starting a change to using mindfulness to understand how change works. Mindfulness is a powerful tool for creating lasting change and for enjoying the change. In this section, we’ll start to solidify the change you’ve started and overcome obstacles that might come up.

8 - Tangled in feedback loops

I have a relative I love very much who over the years became addicted to drugs and alcohol, and it caused him (and his family) all kinds of problems. No matter how harmful the drug addiction, no matter how much it hurt his health, finances, job and relationships, he couldn’t stop. Addiction is an incredibly powerful thing, and it’s also unbelievably difficult to overcome.

But drug addiction can also teach us a powerful lesson about creating (or breaking) habits: the power of feedback loops.

Let’s think about the drug user, when he first starts using the drug. First, he tries it, and immediately he gets an extremely pleasurable high. This is very strong positive feedback, so he very quickly wants to do the drug again. Every time he uses the drug, he gets a strong dose of pleasure. This is a positive feedback loop.

But every time he stops using the drug, he feels terrible. So not using the drug gives him a negative feedback loop.

Think about what kind of behavior this combination of positive and negative feedback loops encourages: it drives him to use the drug (because of the positive feedback), and to avoid not using the drug (where he gets negative feedback). It’s the combination of these two feedback loops that really drives us to do the behavior.

Now think about another habit: exercise. What’s the typical feedback loop for someone who doesn’t exercise much? When she does the exercise, she gets discomfort, sweatiness, tiredness, maybe even soreness. That’s negative feedback for doing the exercise.

Not doing the exercise is much more comfortable, because she’s on the Internet doing easy, mildly pleasurable tasks. That’s positive feedback for not doing the exercise.

The combination of these two feedback loops is why- at first - it’s so hard to form the exercise habit. People are up against much more than they realize, because no amount of willpower can overcome a setup of feedback loops that go against the behavior they’re trying to create.

And it works like that for every single habit: eating junk food and shopping and playing games are easy habits to create and hard to break, while exercise and meditation and eating vegetables and learning languages are much harder. All because of the feedback loops.

So what are we to do?

Reverse the feedback loops to get the behavior we want. We want positive feedback for the habit we’re creating: rewards, praise, physical pleasure, spending time with a friend, getting stars on a chart, continuing a streak, a feeling of accomplishment, enjoying the activity with a smile.

We want negative feedback for not doing the habit: embarrassment of people knowing you didn’t do it, losing a bet, enduring some embarrassing consequence, losing the streak you’ve created, experiencing some kind of difficulty or loss.

Grease the slope. Create public accountability. Set up rewards and consequences. The smarter you’ve set up your feedback loops, the better you’ll be at doing the habit.

We’ve already talked about some ways to give yourself negative feedback for not doing the habit-making a commitment to others. Once you make a commitment, you’re more likely to do the habit to avoid the negative consequence of having to admit failure, as long as you care about the opinions of the people you’ve made a commitment to.

Later, we’ll add some other consequences to increase the negative feedback loop.

What about positive feedback? A commitment to others can also give you positive feedback for doing the habit, if you get to report your successes to them. And you can set up rewards, like giving yourself a treat or a massage or some relaxing tea, or whatever would be rewarding to you personally. In the next chapter, we’ll look at mindfulness as a way to set up positive feedback.

One way to set up positive feedback that I’ve found extremely rewarding is to make the change social. If you want to run, get a running partner. Go for a walk with a friend. Join a writing group or meditation group. Join a yoga class. Get a coach or a personal trainer or a Mandarin teacher.

These kinds of social setups make it more rewarding to do the habit, because we start to enjoy the company of the people we’re doing the activity with.

MISSION: CREATE POSITIVE FEEDBACK LOOPS

Today, come up with a way to make your habit more social, if possible. Look at the suggestions above, put the social idea in your Habit Plan, and take action today to make the social setup start to happen. It might not happen immediately, because it can take awhile to find a partner or group or coach, but get the ball rolling.

If there’s no way to make it social, think of small rewards you can give yourself immediately after doing the habit each day.

Don’t forget to continue to do your habit, in as small steps as possible, each day.

9 - The spotlight of mindfulness

When I first started creating habits, I set up rewards for myself: treats, massages, buying myself books. These rewards were great, but honestly, I didn’t feel that motivated by them. I found that they were too far away from the actual habit, and not directly linked in my mind to doing the habit.

So I looked for other ways to reward myself, from social accountability to socializing with others. Those worked really well.

Then I hit on something that was far more effective: enjoying the task itself.

If I could go for a run and enjoy the run, the task became the reward! What a breakthrough this was for me. The task started to have positive feedback built in.

This, of course, is easier said than done. How do you enjoy something that you don’t normally enjoy? You can’t necessarily turn a painful task into a joyful one, can you?

I found that I could, if I kept an open mind about it.

I found that I could enjoy the unenjoyable habits, if I could learn to appreciate the habit and let go of wishing it were different.

I found that the secret that unlocked all of this was mindfulness.

SHINING SOME MINDFULNESS

I would go out for a run and practice mindfulness-pay attention to my body and my breath as I ran, pay attention to the ground beneath my feet, the wind rushing past my bald head, the light through the leaves, the beauty of the moment.

Sure, I was uncomfortable, but with mindfulness I could see my mind trying to run from the discomfort, and instead, loosen up and allow myself to feel the discomfort. This discomfort, once I actually paid close attention to it, wasn’t so bad! I could even find things in the uncomfortable moment that I could appreciate.

So the mindfulness became a powerful tool for shining a spotlight on what was going on: paying attention, seeing the beauty of the moment, loosening up with my discomfort, accepting it, and appreciating everything I could.

I think of this as the spotlight of mindfulness, putting some light on the darkness of what we usually don’t see. We often are unaware of our urges, our shying away from discomfort, our negative thoughts or things that we aren’t appreciating. Having a spotlight of mindfulness brings all of those out into the light.

How do we develop this spotlight? This is my process: instead of thinking of other things as I run (or do any kind of activity), I turn my attention to my breath. I try to pay attention to it, feel the qualities of it, follow it as it comes in and goes out.

Then I turn my attention to my body and feel what’s going on with it, what sensations I can notice. I scan my body from toes to head, though in the process of this, my mind might start to wander. When I notice this, I turn the spotlight of my attention to my thoughts and see that they want to move away from the present moment to think about something else.

Often this is because the present moment is uncomfortable or in some way different from what I want.

That’s when I turn the spotlight of mindfulness onto my discomfort and the way I wish this moment were. I think about my ideals, the Mind Movie that I’ve been playing, and I think about how it’s causing me to not enjoy the current moment.

Then I turn back to the current moment, perhaps to my breath and body again, or maybe to my surroundings. I’ve found that these things aren’t different: the breath, the body, the surroundings are all sensations, all things to notice. My feelings and thoughts are also sensations. So I just turn the spotlight on all of these sensations.

Finally, I start to appreciate everything that the spotlight shines on: my breath, how wonderful it is! How lucky I am to have it! My body, what a great thing, flab and warts and hairs and all! How lucky I am to have this body to experience this world of wonders. The things around me: how awe-inspiring! What kind of a miracle is a leaf, or a field, or a bird?

I’m overwhelmed by the joy of being alive.

The spotlight of mindfulness can be quite an experience, if you pay attention.

THE POSITIVE FEEDBACK OF MINDFULNESS

This miraculous spotlight helps us to find the intrinsic reward of doing the habit. If you can be mindful, and appreciate the moment as you do the habit, you can enjoy the activity more. You can enjoy yourself as you do the activity.

Going for a run becomes a mindful break from the chaos of the world. Writing can become an enjoyable mindful practice. Even healthy eating can be a pleasurable, mindful eating exercise.

When you enjoy the activity mindfully, there is positive feedback as you do the habit. It’s not something that comes later; it happens immediately and is inextricably tied to the habit itself.

And so mindfulness becomes a way of setting up a positive feedback loop.

MISSION: DO THE HABIT AGAIN, MINDFULLY

Today, for the two minutes or so that you do your habit, practice the spotlight of mindfulness. Turn the spotlight on your breath, then your body, then your surroundings, then all the other sensations associated with the movements of doing the activity. Appreciate everything about doing the habit that you can.

Enjoy those wonderful things about the habit so that the habit itself becomes your reward.

10 - The mirror of change

One of the most powerful tools for change I’ve ever created was my blog, Zen Habits. And I’m not the only one who has experienced this, either: I’ve helped many people start blogs as a journal for changing their habits and their lives.

I started Zen Habits in 2007 as a way to share some of the things I’d been learning about changing habits and simplifying my life . . . but also to hold myself accountable for other habit changes I was still making, like training for my first triathlon and continuing to get out of debt. I thought if I had some people reading my habit reports, I’d be more likely to stick to the changes.

Even though I’d had a number of habit successes to this point, I knew that public accountability was one of the reasons I’d done so well, and I wanted to give myself the best chance of continuing my success. Being good at habits means not for- getting what got you to good.

And that was true-the more readers I had, the more motivating it was. But I found something even more powerful than the accountability: reflecting on what I was doing.

Self-reflection has turned out to be one of my most powerful tools in changing my life. It becomes a mirror that helps you see what’s going on in your life, that keeps you from making the same mistakes over and over again, from being on autopilot and failing to course-correct.

Having a blog with readers is like having a journal on steroids-it forces you to reflect on what you’re doing in your life, because if you’re going to share what you’re learning with other people, you first have to reflect on what you’ve learned. Self-reflection is built into blogging.

Why is self-reflection so important? Imagine trying to put on clown make-up, but you have no mirror. You can’t see whether you’re applying the make-up in the right areas, or . . . well, you can’t tell whether you’re doing it right at all. If you’re messing up, you’ll probably just keep

messing up.

Now imagine there’s a mirror in front of you. Putting the make-up on is now much easier, because as your hand goes off course, you can course-correct. You can do it better each time you make a mistake. You can see what kinds of mistakes you’re making, and make fewer of those with some practice. All because you have the feedback of the mirror helping guide your actions.

Self-reflection is this mirror. It’s absolutely necessary for making changes and not just giving up in self-disgust.

The mirror of self-reflection does a few things, in my experience:

1.It makes you remember what you’ve done, which means you’re living more consciously instead of just on auto-pilot.

2.It helps you see when you’ve made mistakes and see what kind of adjustments might help overcome those obstacles in the future.

3.It gives you positive feedback when you are doing things right, so you’ll keep doing those things right.

As you can see, the mirror of self-reflection is a crucial tool for feedback loops, and we’ve already seen that feedback loops are the key to sticking to (or failing at) a habit change.

So how do you set up this mirror of self-reflection? I have a few suggestions:

1.Start a short habit journal, and just do one to two sentences each day. Perhaps commit to sharing this daily with your accountability team or partner.

2.Do a habit review each week, reflecting on what you did, what went wrong, how you’ll overcome those in the future, and what you did right. If you do this weekly, you’ll get better each week.

3.Start a short daily or weekly blog, and share this blog with everyone you know.

4.Post updates to social media, but not just bragging updates-share what went wrong as well as what went right.

MISSION: START A ONE-SENTENCE JOURNAL

Commit in your Habit Plan to doing a daily one-sentence journal or blog. If you don’t think you can keep up with a daily journal, commit instead to writing a weekly review of your habit, or to blogging weekly on how you’re doing with the habit. Tell your accountability partner or group that you’ll share this with them either daily or weekly-whatever works best for you and them.

The feedback loops you’ll get from this self-reflection will be worth the effort.

11 - Be mindful of your movie

When I decided to follow up my successful first marathon by doing a triathlon, I had an idea in my head of how great that triathlon would be. In my mind, I was already doing the triathlon, and I was leaner (like most of the triathletes I’d seen) and strong and fast and gloriously finishing the three-sport race. What an amazing story.

Of course, the story was just in my head-I hadn’t even started training yet! It took me ,a long time to understand that what I was doing with this triathlon visualization was what was going on behind the scenes of most habit failures. We have a story in our head-the Mind Movie we talked about earlier-and it’s amazing, but the habit hasn’t even started yet.

What’s wrong with that? Doesn’t this Mind Movie motivate us to get started and ,accomplish things? Well, yes, it does motivate us in the beginning. It’s fine to let ourselves get motivated to start by fooling ourselves with the Mind Movie. The problem comes when things don’t turn out as we’d envisioned.

With the triathlon, I started training for the swim and bike portions of the race, as I was already decent at the run. I got a ,swimming coach and committed to practices three times a week. I went to my first swim session, and within 15 minutes of training, Mr. Marathon Man was exhausted and nauseated. I couldn’t believe how hard swimming was.

Cycling wasn’t much easier for me. I found that I was afraid of the drivers on Guam, who do not want cyclists on the road slowing them down. So every cycling practice was an exercise in fear and self-preservation. I’d be riding down the four-lane main highway, with drivers zooming past me, often honking and giving me the finger as my life flashed before my eyes.

I’d get home and swear that walking would be the only form of transportation I’d ever need for the rest of my life.

The entire span of my triathlon training continued in the same way-I would envision myself as gloriously fit and successful, and then go out and train and it was miserably hard. I finished my first short triathlon, and it was way harder than I thought it would be, and I wasn’t leaner or stronger really.

Many other habits don’t even get that far. When we envision ourselves as happy and successful and disciplined, and then the habit turns out to be much harder than we’d imagined, it can be discouraging. The story in our heads-the expectations and ideals-can make the reality seem dismal in comparison. And then we often quit or dislike the habit.

So what should we do? Be mindful of your story. Start using mindfulness to see the Mind Movie playing in your head about this habit. Shine the spotlight on your vision, the thing that motivated you to start but might discourage you from continuing.

What ideals do you have about the habit? What expectations do you have of yourself and others? How does this match up with the reality of yourself and this habit? Mindfulness can help us turn our attention to all this, and then turn our attention on reality, to see it as it is.

Reality as it is is wonderful, if it’s not compared to a Mind Movie-we just need to see it as it is, appreciate it as it is, be grateful for it as it is.

Practice this: before you do your habit, and as you do it, turn your attention to your story. See this story as something that’s getting in the way of appreciating the reality of the habit as it is, as the source of frustrations and disappointment.

Now see the reality of the habit: be curious about the reality, try to notice everything about it, and appreciate it for what it is. Really pay attention, and find things about each moment to be grateful for.

Having a story, an idea, a Mind Movie, a fantasy about your habit can be motivating at the start, but frustrating, disappointing and discouraging once you get going and things don’t live up to the fantasy. It’s been the biggest cause of failure for many of my habits and for thousands of people I’ve worked with. Don’t let it stop you from making a change.

MISSION: JOURNAL YOUR STORY

As you write your journal for today, briefly describe the story you see as you think about your habit. What does this story look like? Now, as you do the habit next time, be curious about the reality of the habit and find things to appreciate about that reality.

12 - Grow a plant-don’t attach to results

I was coaching a woman who constantly struggled with her eating, and consequently, with her weight. She wasn’t as interested in creating the healthy eating habit as she was in seeing the pounds come off.

That’s great, except that when the pounds didn’t come off so quickly, she would get discouraged. Weight loss is a slow process, and you can’t control it completely. Some weeks the weight actually went up-and when that happened, she would feel like a failure. What was she doing wrong?

The problem was that, like most people, she was focusing on the results. That’s pretty normal-we’re a very results-oriented society. When we try to make changes in our lives, and create new habits, we focus on the results.

That model is a lot like sculpting a mound of clay-you have something that needs to be shaped (your behavior, your weight, your finances) and an idea of how it should look when you’re done, and you try to shape it to meet that idea. You know you’re doing it right when you’ve got the finished sculpture, and it looks great.

Unfortunately, this way of making changes very often leads to failure. Sometimes we get the sculpture right very quickly, and all is well, and we’re successful! But more often, we get it wrong at first, or it takes a while to shape things, or the shape turns out all wrong . . . and then we feel discouraged.

When we don’t get good results quickly, the sculpture way of making changes ends up in a mess of clay.

What’s a better model? I like to look at it like growing a plant. You don’t control the results of growing a plant-it will grow however it grows, because we don’t have god- like powers that can control how a plant will grow. You don’t control the outcome, but you do control the inputs.

You can water it, give it more sunlight, feed it some nutrients, give it good soil, make sure bugs aren’t eating it. You control the inputs and environment, but not the outcome.

So Grow a Plant when you’re making changes: you don’t control the outcome, so you can’t get fixated on it. Don’t attach too tightly to the results of a change. Instead, focus on creating a good environment. Focus mostly on the inputs: what are you bringing to the change? What is your intention? What is your effort? What is your enjoyment and mindfulness?

If you do this with weight loss, then you don’t focus on the weight loss itself. You focus on the input: what kind of food are you eating? Are you eating mindfully? Do you have a compassionate intention when it comes to your eating? Are you exercising mindfully? Are you giving yourself a good environment to support these changes?

If you focus on the inputs, you don’t know what the plant of your weight loss change will result in. Maybe it will mean a slimmer version of you, maybe a healthier one, maybe a stronger one with more muscle. You don’t know exactly, because you can’t sculpt your body like clay. What you can do is water it, give it sunlight and good nutrients, and see how it grows.

MISSION: GROW A PLANT

As you do your habit today, and journal about it, consider what your intention is. Are you doing the change to make a difference in the world, to make the most of your time on Earth, to be compassionate toward yourself or others, to make someone’s life better, to nurture your health?

Now, as you do the habit, be mindful of your attachment to outcomes of this habit, and see if you can focus instead on the intention, on the effort, on enjoying the process.

13 - Shine a light on invisible urges

I remember when I tried to take on the habit of procrastination (to reduce it, not increase it), and I couldn’t figure out why I kept failing. Procrastination was an ages-old habit for me, going back for as long as I could remember, and I didn’t understand why it had such a strong grip on me.

I would tell myself that I had to write an article, or work on my book, and then I’d almost immediately check email or go read something online. I’d find excuses to clean, or start playing an online game, or watch videos. Anything but what I needed to work on.

It was like I had no control over myself. I felt horrible, of course, because then I felt like I had no self-control, no discipline. This is the cycle of urge-act-guilt that we’ve all felt.

How do you overcome this cycle? The first part of the cycle is actually invisible to most people. The urges act in the dark. And so the most important step in breaking the cycle is to take away the invisibility. Shine a light on the darkness. See what’s going on, so you can consciously change it.

That’s what I did with procrastination. I would stop myself before going to check email (for example), and just pause for a second. Then I’d watch this urge to switch from my writing to another task. What was this urge like? It was a strong feeling that seemed to come from nowhere, and I’d feel it in my chest, rising up my neck into my head. What a strange sensation!

Then I’d watch what would happen if I just sat and didn’t follow this urge. It would get stronger, and I’d sometimes panic a little, like I needed to act on this urge immediately! But then it would go away, and I’d calm down.

I was shining the light of mindfulness on these invisible urges. They are incredibly powerful when they’re invisible, and we just act on them without thinking. But with this mindful spotlight, I could turn them from invisible to visible, and watch them in action. When they’re visible, these urges lose their power. Now they’re just ordinary feelings, that come and go.

Amazingly, this works on any habit. Every habit seems to come with unbidden urges to procrastinate on the habit. If you want to write, read more, wake early, meditate . . . you’ll also have the urge to go do something else, to put the habit off. And when you use the spotlight on mindfulness on these urges, you can take their power away and rationally decide what you’d like to do.

MISSION: WATCH YOUR URGES

Today as you do your habit, mindfully watch any urges that come up. Do this every day, if you can remember, and then journal about these urges. Be curious about them: what do they feel like? What happens if you don’t act on them? Can you delay for just a minute or two when they come up?

14 - The Habit Sprint:Get better and better at habits

One day an early manuscript, not even proofread, arrived in my mailbox for review. I don’t review books, but this one was called "Scrum" and it was about running your business and managing projects using ideas from the method Agile software developers use to create software. I was bored of the book I was reading at the time, so I started reading Scrum.

I’m really glad I did. I never used any of the ideas to change my business, but I learned a concept that changed the way I look at habit change.

I learned about the Sprint.

In short, it’s a pattern of planning that involves mapping out what you’re going to do on a project for the next week (a week’s worth of the project is a Sprint), then executing the plan. At the end of the week, you do a review of how you did and what got in the way.

Here’s the part that changes everything: you figure out what you’re going to do for the next Sprint that will overcome the obstacles. If you keep doing this, you’ll get better each week.

There’s more to the Scrum method, but this simple method of reviewing what your obstacles were in the previous Sprint, and planning to overcome them the next Sprint, you’ll get better and better over time.

From this, I created the Habit Sprint.

THE METHOD

Here’s how it works:

1.Put together a Habit Plan and focus on executing it for a week.

2.At the end of the week, review how you did-how many days did you do the habit?

3.Review your obstacles for days you missed or struggled with the habit. Add solutions to overcome those obstacles to your plan.

4.Repeat for the next week.

Each week, you’ll get real-world information about your habit environment that you didn’t have before you started the week. You’ll get better each week as you find methods that allow you to overcome the obstacles.

Did you mess up this week and not do the habit at all? No problem-as long as you do the review and figure out what your obstacles and solutions are, it’s a success because you learned something. The only failure would be if you didn’t review and improve the plan.

This illustrates a deeper concept about change we’ll discuss soon in Chapter 16: mistakes are crucial feedback when you’re making a change. When you fail, you should realize that, and change direction. You don’t keep going in the same direction.

The Habit Sprint is a way to systematize that concept:

once a week, you make sure you review the mistakes you’ve made and use that feedback to adjust course. You improve the method based on the new feedback you got in the past week.

At the end of each week, you do a quick review-how did you do, what got in the way, what solutions can you add to the plan to improve it for next week.

And you repeat that, getting better at the habit each week.

OPTIMAL LEARNING

The Habit Sprint helps solidify a few principles that will help you learn the habit skills we’re working on in this book. The way that most people practice skills is suboptimal: they practice sporadically, get frustrated by mistakes, focus on the parts they’re good at.

Instead, research has shown a few ideas that help us learn skills in a better way. These strategies will help you as you learn habit skills:

1.Spaced repetition. Instead of cramming for a test by studying all at once, it’s best to learn in small doses at regular intervals. That helps with long-term retention of knowledge and skills and makes learning easier. So we practice our habit skills daily: once a day, for just a few minutes a day.

2.Learn from failure. It’s important to learn by trying to do something on your own without knowing what you’re doing and getting it wrong. Then correct yourself and focus on getting it right. The Habit Sprint method helps you to find where you got things wrong and to correct yourself. If you don’t do this regularly, you won’t get better.

Focus on the areas where you need improvement, and you’ll improve a lot faster.

3.Practice regularly. By setting up a habit practice environment where you practice regularly, and are motivated to keep practicing, you’re going to get a lot better over time. The mistake most people make is not continuing practice when things get hard. We’re setting up a habit environment to keep you on track to continue your practice.

4.Practice deliberately. Practicing mindlessly is largely a waste of time. The best musicians in the world, for example, practice very deliberately. They focus for the entire time they’re practicing, and they focus on doing it right. They find weaknesses and work on them with concentration. That’s what we’re doing with our mindful practice of our habit.

The method of forming habits we’re learning in this book is not just a series of ideas to try out. It’s designed to help you learn the essential habit skills in a smart way. So don’t skip the reviews at the end of each Habit Sprint-they’re absolutely necessary for improvement.

MISSION: ASSESS YOUR HABIT CHANGE

Today, assess the progress you’ve made with your first week of habit change. How many days did you do the habit this week, and how many days did you miss? What have the main obstacles been? What can you do to overcome those obstacles and improve going forward? Add those obstacles and solutions to your Habit Plan.

15 - Watch the plum blossom fall

I was walking down a hilly street in San Francisco, when a small pink plum blossom fell in front of my face. For some reason, this startled me out of my reverie, and I stopped where I was and watched this blossom descend gently to the sidewalk.

The sidewalk was covered in blossoms, beautifully fading into death like snow melting into the ground. I was captivated by the beauty of this scene, by how gorgeous each blossom was in the moment of its falling to death. The height of their beauty is a transient, impermanent, evanescent moment, fading as soon as it peaks.

I took this impermanence to heart, and this image has helped me to deal with the transience of life and with changing my habits. I promise, we’ll find a key lesson about habits in a moment, but indulge me as we talk about the nature of change.

LESSON ABOUT LIFE & CHANGE

In this impermanent nature of plum blossoms, we can learn a lesson about change. Everything comes and goes. Arises and then passes. Nothing is permanent, but instead of being scary, this changing nature of everything can be seen as beautiful.

The plum blossom is more beautiful because it is impermanent. You enjoy it more because it won’t last for- ever. Each moment of life is also more beautiful because it doesn’t last. Your spouse, your child, your mother, your friend . . . they won’t last forever, and so each moment with them is more precious.

The basic truth of life is impermanence, and if we come to peace with that, we can find lasting peace with all changes.

Any change can happen at any time. You can fail at a habit, or get injured or sick, or lose a loved one, or lose a job, or hear a song that moves you, or find true love.

I’ve learned to embrace this change and impermanence as beautiful. Growth isn’t possible without change, because growth is change. Without change, the blossom wouldn’t have grown, and neither would the tree have grown from a sapling or seed. The seed would stay in the cold, unchanging ground if change weren’t the defining characteristic of life.

We lose loved ones, but they wouldn’t have become our loved ones in the first place if it weren’t for change. Love wouldn’t be possible without change, because a relationship grows into love by changing.

Change is beautiful. Change is growth. Change makes love possible.

By embracing change and impermanence, we find peace. Think of all the things that upset our peace of mind: feelings of irritation, grief over the loss of a loved one, a difficult situation, worry about an upcoming meeting, trouble in a relationship. These are all just passing clouds, not permanent states but temporary ones.

Life is a constantly flowing stream, always changing, floating by us-and we can’t try to grasp at the passing water. You can’t be attached to one particular drop of water that’s flowing downstream, because it will be gone soon.

HABITS & FLEXIBILITY

What does this have to do with changing habits? If everything is changing, what does this mean if we have a fixed plan (to change a habit, or to do anything)?

Everything changing means that our fixed plans are bound to fail. We plan on something going the way we think it will go, and then things change and the plan doesn’t work.

Now, we can respond to the failed plan in two ways:

1.We can get upset or feel bad that The plan failed, and that might cause us to quit; or

2.We can adjust.

I suggest that we adjust. All the time, as things change. Habits shouldn’t be fixed plans, but a continual readjustment. We should adopt a flexible mindset that adapts to the changing circumstances that life throws in our way.

The plum blossom is a visual reminder of the impermanent, ever-changing nature of things . . . and that includes our path to forming a new habit or making any kind of change.

If we embrace impermanence and change, we can be more flexible, because we know things will change. We expect it. We love change. And as things change, we adjust.

MISSION: SEE THE IMPERMANENCE

As you write your journal entry today, reflect on how your habit has turned out so far compared to how you imagined it would go. Has it gone exactly to plan? What changes happened to cause the plan to fail? What adjustments have you made, or what adjustments could you have made? Did the changes cause you to mess up and feel bad?

How will you adjust more effortlessly to future changes that disrupt your plans?

16 - Don’t miss two days in a row

Not long ago I was coaching a woman who struggled to stick to any habit-I could definitely relate-and I was trying to understand the root of the problem. Sometimes she wouldn’t write back to me after failing, so I asked about this.

It turns out that what would happen is any time she would miss a day (often for a good reason), that would trigger a downward spiral. She would feel bad about missing a day, and those bad feelings would actually make it more likely that she’d miss a second day, and then she’d be even more likely to miss a third day.

Eventually she was feeling so bad about it she wouldn’t even open my emails checking on her.

This downward spiral is what we want to avoid.

What finally worked was getting her to commit to some big, embarrassing consequence-not if she missed a day of the habit, but if she missed two days in a row.

Her rule was: it’s OK to miss one day, but never miss two days in a row.

And the corollary was: when you miss one day, do everything you can to figure out why you missed, and solve it so you don’t keep missing. Use the missed day as feedback that your habit method needs to be adjusted.

MISTAKES AS POSITIVE FEEDBACK

This idea of mistakes as feedback is a crucial lesson in creating habits. Visualize yourself crossing a shallow river, stepping across a path of large stones that someone has strung across the river. You have to step on one stone after another to get across.

Now picture closing your eyes and trying to get across. You take a step into the water by accident. At this point, you could beat yourself up about stepping in the water, and then keep going in the same direction until you’ve fallen into the water completely and are totally off the path.

That wouldn’t make any sense. It’s much better to stop going in that direction once you take the first step into water, and adjust. Get back on the path. Change direction. Use the water as feedback, not as a sign that you’re horrible and should get even wetter.

When you’re creating a new habit, you’re kind of like that-blindly crossing a river. You don’t know the optimal path, the best method for creating this habit. All you can do is take the first step, and then the next, and if you step into water (or miss a day of the habit), use that as feedback and adjust. Don’t keep going in the same way.

What does this mean for making changes?

1.First, use mistakes as feedback. They’re not signs that you’re a bad person or have no discipline. They’re signs that you need to adjust.

2.Figure out what caused the mistake and write down an adjustment to your plan. If the problem was travel, adjust the plan so you know what to do when you travel. If the problem was a change in your schedule, adjust the plan for that contingency. In this way, you’ll get better at the habit over time.

3.Create a barrier for missing two days in a row, like an embarrassing consequence, so missing one day won’t be the end of the world, and you’ll be forced to adjust so you don’t keep missing days.

CREATE A POSITIVE FEELING ABOUT CHANGE

Most of us do habits completely backwards: when we make a mistake, we feel bad about it. This bad feeling makes it much less likely that we’ll stick to the change, because now we feel guilty every time we even consider the habit. We feel like bad people.

We have to avoid this bad feeling, because it gets in the way of habit change. Consider popular phone apps that are addicting: social media and photo sharing apps. Every time you open them up, they give you a dose of pleasure, because you’re not bored anymore and you’re seeing something interesting, or someone likes your photo. Every time you use the app, you feel good.

Habits are often set up like a really bad app: if you make a mistake and miss a day or two, you start to feel bad every time you open up the habit app. It makes you feel like a bad person. That’s the opposite of what we want to get you to stick to the habit.

Instead, try to keep a positive mindset about the habit. Miss a day? No problem, learn from that and try not to miss a second day. Miss a week because of a family cri- sis? Great, this is a wonderful opportunity to learn how to get back on track after a disruption. See every mistake as an opportunity to learn, a thing that you can get better at, positive feedback that’s so crucial for improvement.

And smile as you open yourself up to this improvement.

MISSION: CREATE A CONSEQUENCE FOR MISSING TWO DAYS

Add to your plan an embarrassing consequence for missing two days in a row and commit to this with your accountability partner or team. If you do miss a day, quickly figure out what happened and establish a way to over- come that obstacle next time. Adjust your method so that it’s better.

Write all of this down in your plan, and remember to see the misstep as good feedback for that crucial continual adjustment.

PART III - Facing Resistance

In this section, we’ll explore the resistance that we face as we make changes. How do we deal with this resistance with peace and calm, and how do we avoid letting it derail us?

17 - Watch for the noisy children

When I was living on Guam (which is where I’m from), I started meditating at home in my living room. I’d wake up early, before Eva and the kids were awake, and enjoy the quiet and soft light of the early morning. I’d just sit on the couch and pay attention to my breath, trying to learn a little about mindfulness.

This was never an easy habit for me, but it got more difficult when someone would wake up early, or I’d start later than usual and people would start waking up. I’d be trying to meditate, and a kid would wake up and start making noise, and it would disturb my meditation.

"Why do they have to make so much noise?" I’d find myself thinking, involuntarily. "It’s disturbing my peaceful meditation!"

Then I learned to turn to this feeling of resentment, this resistance to what was happening. I looked at this feeling, and I wondered about it.

The big breakthrough for me came when I realized: this is a wonderful thing, having this noisy child in my home. Sure, they’re making noise, but this doesn’t have to be a disturbance-it can be music, it can be a gift, a reminder of something wonderful I have in my life.

So I accepted the noise, and instead told myself, "Yay! I have a noisy child nearby!"

This turning point became so important as I learned to make habit changes and deal with changes in life in general. The noisy child became a symbol of things I was resisting-resistance as I did my habit, or resistance to anything in life.

Let’s say I was trying to form the habit of running: I would inevitably find resistance to the discomfort and want to stop running or not go for a run one day. This resistance would normally keep me from sticking to my habit, because most often we give in to this resistance. It wins almost every time.

But now I learned to watch the resistance. The resistance to the discomfort of running became my "noisy child," and I turned to it and saw that it wasn’t that bad. In fact I could accept it. A little discomfort from running is acceptable once you loosen up on wanting things to be comfortable all the time.

Then I found a way to be grateful for this noisy child (the discomfort from running). It’s wonderful to have some discomfort in your life, because it reminds you that you’re alive! It makes the habit worth doing, because if everything were easy and comfortable, it wouldn’t be an achievement. And in fact, I came to enjoy the exertion of running.

I learned to do this for situations other than forming new habits: if I became irritated with someone, or angry at rude drivers on the road, or started procrastinating. . . I would turn to the noisy child I was resisting and find acceptance and even gratitude for it.

This practice has made me better at sticking to habits and happier with any situation in my life.

As you work on making changes in your life, see the noisy child in each change and find acceptance and gratitude for it.

MISSION: JOURNAL ABOUT RESISTANCE

As you do your habit and journal entry today, watch for any resistance. Or see the resistance you’ve had recently and journal about it. What did the resistance feel like? Is there a way to accept the thing you’re resisting and find gratitude for it?

18 - Just lace up your shoes

When I was trying to form the running habit, there were some days when I just didn’t feel like it. I wasn’t in the mood. And so I’d lay on the couch, too lazy to go for my daily run.

Then I read a tip somewhere that changed my life: just lace up your shoes and get out the door.

That’s so easy! In fact, it was so easy I couldn’t say no. There was no reasonable objection to lacing up my shoes and stepping out the front door.

Once I got out the door, I inevitably felt like running at least a little. And then once I got moving, I felt great and wanted to keep running for awhile. All I had to do was overcome that initial resistance, the laziness objection, and the rest was easy.

I learned a few key lessons about forming habits here:

1.Never let your mood determine whether you should do something or not. Mood is a bad indicator of the worthiness of any activity.

2.Resistance can be overcome by doing the smallest possible step.

3.You can overcome objections by making the proposition unobjectionable.

Our mind faces objections and resistance all the time, and we usually just give in to them. "I’m too tired." "I don’t feel like it." "It’s too hard." "I deserve a break." Those are all true, but these objections can be overcome.

Just lace up your shoes.

In Chapter 7, we talked about taking the first small step to get started . . . but what if you’ve done that and still face resistance some days? Have an even smaller version of the habit-a Minimum Viable Habit-that you can do even when you don’t feel like doing the habit. Most days, do the "Small Step" that you figured out in Chapter 7 . . .

but if you’re not even feeling like doing that, tell yourself you just need to do the Minimum Viable Habit (lace up your shoes).

I used this method for lots of other habits:

•For meditation, I just had to get my butt on the cushion.

•For writing, I just had to open up a document and write a few words.

•For cooking healthy food, I just had to get out a knife and an onion.

•For studying a language, I just had to press "play" on the audio lesson.

•For yoga, I just had to get into child’s pose.

•For blogging, I just had to open up the form for writing a new post.

•For flossing, I just had to floss one tooth.

•For reading, I just had to open up the book and read a sentence.

I think you get the point. Find the minimum viable habit. The smallest increment of doing the activity. The least objectionable version.

And the resistance is overcome.

MISSION: CHOOSE YOUR MINIMUM VIABLE HABIT

Add to your plan, and tell your accountability partner/ team, what your minimum viable habit is. It should be the smallest possible start for the habit you’re doing. Your version of "just lace up your shoes," for when your mind resists. When you find resistance, just tell yourself to do the minimum viable habit.

19 - Turn from the story to the moment

One day I was in Dolores Park in San Francisco with my 9-year-old son, and we were enjoying the sun, lying in the grass. I’m not sure why, but I happened to check my phone for email, and then probably clicked on a link, and soon went down the rabbithole of reading online.

What I remember clearly is being stressed out a little as I was reading on my phone, and then feeling the sun on my face. Looking up, I realized I was missing an incredible moment with my son in the sunshine-filled park.

I turned from the screen to the moment in front of me. It was an instant shift in mindset, from being stuck in a virtual story to being in the reality of the moment. Instead of missing a moment with my son, I was now present with him and fully experiencing it.

Even when we’re not on our phones or computers, we’re in danger of missing the actuality of the moment. We get stuck in our heads: recall the Mind Movie that we see playing inside our heads, that we discussed in the Intro of this book. This Mind Movie captivates us, occupies our attention, creates a story that we get attached to.

As we focus on this Mind Movie-the story playing in our heads- we become attached to it and want it to be real, somehow. When it’s in our heads, this story begins to seem real. We envision our goals as almost real, if only we could get there. We see our ideals as almost real, if only everyone around us would meet these ideals, if only we ourselves could meet the ideals.

We expect our story to come true, even if it doesn’t.

The problem is that when reality clashes with the story, we get frustrated, upset, bothered, angry, disappointed. These bad feelings can get in the way of our peace of mind and happiness. They can cause us to be less likely to stick to a habit. They can make us behave badly and harm our relationships with others.

This mismatch between the story in our heads, our Mind Movie, and reality causes a lot of our problems, including the resistance to our new habits.

The answer is to mindfully turn from the story to the reality of the moment.

Turn from the story to the sunsoaked moment in the park.

Turn to the moment, and see it as it is-even if it’s not a sunsoaked park, but a rainsoaked muddy field or a gloomy afternoon in your office. Turn from the story, and see the moment.

Learn to accept the moment, appreciate everything about it, find gratitude for it.

Otherwise, not only will you find resistance and frustration, but you’ll miss the beautiful moments of your life.

MISSION: PRACTICE SEEING THE MOMENT

As you do your habit next, mindfully see the story you’re playing in your head. Then practice letting it go and turning toward the reality of the moment. This is a form of meditation-use your habit as meditation, practicing seeing the moment as it happens, as it is, appreciating every- thing about it.

20 - Let the clouds go

One of the key realizations that hit me when I was trying to quit smoking, that helped me with every single subsequent habit change, was learning to watch my urges-the ones we shone a light on in Chapter 14-and not be so attached to them.

Until that realization smacked me in the face, I was powerless against my urges. I’d get an urge to smoke, an urge to eat some sweet or fried food, an urge to buy some new shiny thing, an urge to procrastinate . . . and I’d just act on it. It felt like I had no self control.

But then I learned that I am not my urges, and I learned a trick to handle these urges: I see them as clouds floating in the sky. Like floating clouds, they are separate phenomena, something passing in the distance.

When I had the urge to smoke, I would feel the urge and mindfully notice it. Then I would watch it arise in me, get stronger, and then go away. Like clouds floating past me. I didn’t have to immediately act on the urges-I could just watch them.

This wasn’t easy. The urges would get really strong, and I’d get a panicked feeling inside, like I needed to act on the urge or something horrible would happen. But I learned the panicky feeling is just another cloud that I could watch, and it too would float away.

The urges and the panic would float into view, from nowhere, and then float away, over and over, until my sky was nice and clear and I could get on with life.

When we procrastinate, it’s because we have an urge to run from the difficult, uncomfortable task. We don’t want to do the hard work, or be in confusion, or fail at some- thing, so we get the urge to run. It stems from the fear of failure, of not being good enough. The urge comes up, and we follow it! But we don’t need to follow it.

We can watch the urge to procrastinate, like a cloud, but not act on it. We can just let it float by, and get to work.

When we face resistance with a habit, we want to run. We get the urge to quit, to procrastinate. This is just a cloud in the sky that will float on by.

Let the cloud float away, because it doesn’t control you. The cloud isn’t you. It’s just a passing phenomenon, one that arises and floats away.

MISSION: WATCH YOUR URGE

As you mindfully do your habit, see the urge to quit or put it off. See the resistance. Then just sit and watch it arise and float away. Don’t act on the urge. Let the first urge to quit (or postpone) pass like a cloud. Then when the second urge comes into view, let it float away as well. Finally, when the third urge floats into view, go ahead and act on it. Let two pass, and act on the third.

With this kind of practice, you can get good on not acting on every urge.

21 - Work despite discomfort

In December 2013, I woke up at 3:30 a.m. in the freezing rain of the early morning to go run a 50-mile ultra- marathon race with Scott, my friend and running partner.

I’d been training for months, and yet I felt completely unprepared. I was nervous, cold, and shivering.

I started out on the 50-miler excited, and went at an easy pace, chatting with Scott and others on the course. For the first 30 miles, everything went smoothly, and I felt great!

Then the pain kicked in. My right toe started hurting badly with each downhill step, a stabbing pain that made me want to quit. At 40 miles, I was cramping and sore and really tired. It started to turn cold again, and I wanted to lie down and take a nap and not run anymore.

But with Scott’s neverfailing encouragement, I kept going, despite all the discomfort. I watched my mind try to run from the discomfort and didn’t let it. I pushed through and crossed the finish line-one of the most triumphant moments of my life.

I will forever be grateful for Scott’s persistent sup- port, but I also realized that I had provided myself with an internal support system, too. After all, I’d been training my mind to be OK with discomfort for years. I’d quit smoking, run several marathons, focused on giving up sweets and other foods I loved, overcome procrastination . . .

all of this wouldn’t have been possible if I’d let my mind run at each sign of discomfort. My training had paid off.

What I’ve learned over the years, through some difficult habit changes, is that you don’t have to listen to your Childish Mind, and you can work despite the discomfort.

If you meditate, you can sit in discomfort, even if the Childish Mind wants you to get up and go do something else. If you run, you can keep running even when things get uncomfortable and hard.

Same thing with any physical activity-there’s a difference between actual pain, which is a warning sign that something’s wrong, and physical discomfort, which is just a sign that you’re not used to doing the activity this hard.

You can work despite fears (e.g., a fear of failure), despite being confused (taxes are a good example for me), despite not being good at something. These are all un- comfortable feelings, and yet you can still work while these feelings are occurring. It’s not the end of the world if you’re feeling uncomfortable, and you don’t need to run from discomfort.

Practice working in discomfort a little at a time-don’t start with ridiculously uncomfortable situations. I couldn’t have done the 50-miler if I tried it nine years ago. When I started, I was simply trying to run for a few minutes despite discomfort. Repeated and gradual practice gave me the discomfort skills I needed for the more challenging tasks.

Get out of your comfort zone a little at a time, and expand your discomfort zone with gradual practice. Then you’ll be ready for anything.

MISSION: PRACTICE WITH DISCOMFORT

Today as you do your habit, work a little longer on the habit than usual, to see what it’s like to be uncomfortable and still be OK. Don’t push deep into your discomfort zone-just dip your toes in and let yourself feel it in a safe way.

Also assess your second Habit Sprint in your journal: How many days in the last week have you done the habit? Did you face any obstacles? What can you do to over- come those obstacles in the next week? Add those obstacles and solutions to your Habit Plan.

22 - See the mountains: Working with gratitude & appreciation

In November 2011, I went through one of the most grueling physical challenges I’d ever faced-the Goruck Challenge, a 13-hour military-style physical challenge with non-stop pushups, running, carrying huge logs, carrying teammates on your back, doing bear crawls and crab crawls in the sand and cold ocean water . . . all with about 60 lbs. of bricks in my backpack.

I’d voluntarily signed up for it, with the idea that doing it was going to make me feel like a badass. Instead, it made me feel like I had entered hell with a backpack on. At two different points, I was so exhausted and miserable that I wanted to quit.

Every time I found my mind wanting to get away from the discomfort, I would focus on the ground in front of me. I would try to get back into the moment, rather than the comfortable place I wished I was in (that was playing in my Mind Movie). I would see the ground, the grass, the sand, the bugs in front of me. I tried to notice it all, to soak it in and appreciate every detail.

And then I’d look up at the sky-the brilliant, bright, multihued sky that was the symbol of the gloriousness of life for me. And I’d be overcome with gratitude.

ARE WE ALMOST THERE YET?

A metaphor I’ve found useful is a family road trip where you’re driving and the kids are riding in the back seat. You’re driving by some beautiful mountain scenery, and the kids are impatiently saying, "Are we almost there yet?" They’re focused on the destination, and so they miss everything-the scenery, the conversation-along the way!

Our minds often work in the same way: we want to get to the finish line, or to that comfortable place, and that means we’re missing out on the miracle of the present moment. When you notice that your mind has become that impatient kid in the backseat, missing the mountains outside and focused on how long this darn trip is taking, pause instead.

Be compassionate with that little child, and then redirect its view to the mountains. Appreciate the mountains.

This little mind trick has helped me in every kind of situation I can think of: in arguments with my wife, in times when I lost patience with my kids, in workouts when I felt too tired to stick with it, in times of doubt about my writing or business.

I turn from the resistance and the doubt and the frustration and the discomfort, and instead try to notice and appreciate everything about the moment, the person in front of me, myself. And find a way to be grateful.

Each time, the resistance melted away, and I was happy to be doing what I was doing:

•An argument with my wife was only possible because I have a wonderful wife to disagree with.

•Losing patience with my kids is only possible because I have incredible kids who love me.

•Feeling tired in a workout is nothing compared to the fact that I’m physically able to do a workout, healthy enough, alive enough!

•Doubt in my writing is a part of the beautiful process of creation, which I’m lucky enough to be able to do for a living.

•Doubt in my business is a part of the joy of owning my own business, being my own boss.

•Illness with a loved one is difficult, but I often find myself grateful that I have that loved one in my life, sick or not.

•The death of my grandfather was terribly sad, of course, but I also found gratitude that I had him as such a profound influence in my life and for the great laughs he gave me.

•Losing my job a few years back was terrifying and demoralizing, until I found gratitude for being able to reinvent myself and to create a new chapter in my life.

And so on. Every moment has something to appreciate and be grateful for. I learned that finding this gratitude is a surefire way to melt away the resistance that plagues us all. Once you’re in that place of peace, you’re free to act without fear, without anger or procrastination or frustration.

You can now approach a situation with clear eyes, come from a place of curiosity, act with mindfulness and compassion. melting away the resistance with gratitude is always a good idea.

MISSION: APPRECIATE THE HABIT

Today, as you do your habit, turn from the resistance and the desire to be finished or in a place of comfort . . . and find things to notice, to appreciate and to be grateful for. See the beauty of the mountains and appreciate that beauty. Journal about your gratitude.

23 - Turn toward the fear

I remember very clearly how I would treat my bills when I was deep in debt: I wouldn’t even look at them. Just stuff them in a drawer and try to pretend they weren’t there.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to pay my bills-I just couldn’t. I didn’t have enough money. This prospect of not being able to pay my bills was terrifying, and even looking at the bills would fill me with a sweat-drenched fear. So I would try not to even think about it, even if in my heart I would have to admit I did think about it, too much.

The fear was still there, but I would try to drown it out with beer and TV and sweets and fried food and shopping and the Internet and other distractions.

The same thing happened with my weight problems: I would try not to look too long in the mirror. I knew I was getting way too overweight, and that it wasn’t healthy and didn’t make me feel good. But I didn’t want to face this problem, because it seemed insurmountable, too over- whelming.

But the truth is, these problems are not made better by ignoring them, by turning away from the fear. They are solvable, if you tackle them a little at a time. I’m proof of that, because I solved the debt and weight problems despite years of struggle.

With my debt, the turning point came when I finally took a deep breath and pulled all the bills from the overstuffed drawer. I took them out, and one by one, I made a list of the things I needed to pay. This wasn’t that hard a step-it’s just making a list. But with this one little step, I was taking control of things and facing my fear and starting on the path to recovery.

The first step to recovery was turning toward the fear. The same thing happened with my weight: the recovery came when I finally faced the problem and decided to take some positive steps. I started running, then doing pushups. I started eating more fruits and veggies and less of the sweets and fried foods.

I started looking at the scale (something I hadn’t done in years) and eventually even taking pictures of myself, so I could see the difference over time.

What I learned is that the little child inside us, this Childish Mind, doesn’t want to face the fear. It’s too overwhelming. So it hides, and runs, and avoids.

But we do not need to be ruled by this little child. We are not our Childish Mind. We can be the adult that takes the little child in our arms, and gives it a hug, comforts it, accepts it as it is, and then helps it take action.

I learned not only to turn toward my fear, but to accept it as a phenomena inside me, just another passing cloud. It was only a feeling, and it would not go away if I tried to avoid it. It went away when I turned toward it and accepted it and comforted it.

Try this the next time you find yourself turning away from the fear inside you. Turn toward it, and see the cowering little child that doesn’t want to face its fears. Comfort the child, accept the fear. And then take action, despite the fear, doubt, discomfort and frustration.

MISSION: JOURNAL ABOUT A FEAR

As you do your habit today, be mindful of any fears you have. See that they are passing clouds that won’t drown you in their thunderstorm forever. Turn toward the fears, accept them, comfort them, then do the habit anyway, with gratitude. Journal about the fear.

24 - Flowing around disruptions

In 2008, I signed my first book deal and hunkered down to write what would end up as my first print book, The Power of Less. It started off fairly well, with me outlining the book quickly and writing on a regular basis. I was happy and felt great about my anti-procrastination writing abilities.

Then the plans got derailed when Eva and I had our second wedding (this time in church) and went on our honeymoon in Thailand. It was a breath-taking trip, but the writing I’d planned on getting done didn’t go as I’d imagined. My plan was to get a bunch of writing done in the early mornings, but I have no idea what I was thinking. It just didn’t happen.

It actually made me feel pretty bad during parts of our honeymoon, as I kept putting off the writing to be present with my honey, and enjoy our vacation in a beautiful new country. This went on for almost three weeks: putting off writing, enjoying the trip, but feeling bad about myself.

When I got back from the trip, I was tired and I’d missed the kids so I wanted to spend time with them . . . and I kept putting off the writing. I still felt really bad about my

procrastination, and my self-image as a disciplined writer was shattered. I felt guilt, I felt a lack of self-control, and I avoided all these bad feelings by continuing to avoid writing.

WHY WE GET DERAILED

This process of getting derailed from my good habits and routines has happened a bunch of times for me, and it’s one of the most common habit problems of the thousands of people I’ve coached.

The most common reasons we get derailed from habits:

1.Busyness with work.

2.Travel.

3.Illness.

4.Family crisis.

5.Exhaustion or lack of sleep.

6.We forget (if the habit is still young).

7.Procrastination or distraction.

This happens to everyone at some point or another. But why? Because plans are just ideals, not reality. Because we’re overly optimistic about how much we can do, and in reality we can usually only do about 20 percent of that. Because things change, and yet we expect habit plans to stay the same, and we feel bad about it.

And because once we get a little derailed due to a change, we feel bad about that and then are actually less likely to get back on track.

WATER VS. TRAIN TRACKS

The problem is that we see these habit plans as train tracks: we are the train, and we’ve laid out a track (the Habit Plan), and we expect things to go smoothly as we ride nicely along the track. Unfortunately, if the tracks get bent, we go off the rails and crash. This is a bad model for habits, or plans or expectations in general.

So what’s a better model than train tracks? The flow of water.

Let’s say water is running down a hill (because of, you know, gravity) . . . and it encounters a rock in its path. Does the water get thrown off its path and crash, never to recover? No. The water flows around the rock, as if it had planned that all along.

It finds a new path, and when it hits a tree, it flows around that, and then it flows around a little hill, never flinching or pausing to bemoan its fate.

We need to be like that water. Flow, adjust, find a new path as the landscape changes. Plans are just directions, not tracks. We are going in that direction, and we’ll be damned if we’re going to be stopped by a little bump in the road.

What this means in practice is that if you get derailed for some reason . . . well, don’t say you’re "derailed." Say you’re "reflowing." Notice that things have changed since you made your plans, forget about the original plan, and adjust what you do based on the new landscape.

That means if travel stops your exercise habit, don’t feel bad. Adjust by finding a new kind of workout you can do anywhere and make time to do it before you go out of the hotel room for the day.

If sickness stops you from doing your writing, that’s OK. Focus on getting better, because that’s your priority at the moment, and then when you feel better, adjust by making a new writing Habit Plan.

You might also reassess whether you want to be doing the habit at this time, given what has changed, what your priorities are at the moment. If you are on your honeymoon, and you decide it’s more important to be with your honey than stick to your book-writing plan, perhaps it’s time to assess whether the writing on your trip was a good idea in the first place.

Take disruptions in stride and adjust as you go along. This is an amazing skill that will help you from getting derailed by an interruption.

MISSION: MAKE A FLOW PLAN

Take a moment to consider whether you’ve gotten disrupted from your current habit yet. If so, what can you do to flow around this disruption? What can you do to adjust your plan to the new circumstances? If you haven’t been disrupted yet, think about the things on the list above that are most likely to disrupt you in the near future. What can you do to adjust if one of those things happens?

Start adopting a flow mentality today.

PART IV - Mastering Change & The Heart of Any Problem

In this section, we’ll go beyond the habit change we’ve been creating and learn to master habit change, and change in any form. As we do so, we’ll learn to deal with the heart of any problem: attachment and clinging.

25 - The heart of any problem

We’ve explored the resistance and other obstacles that cause problems with habit changes, but I’d like to go a little deeper and look at all of our problems, not just habit change.

We face lots of problems in life-frustration with others, unhappiness with ourselves, procrastination and distraction, self-doubt, being stuck, financial problems, and more.

What I’ve learned is that pretty much all of these problems are really just one problem-the One Problem we talked about in the Introduction. And if we can get to the heart of that one problem, we can learn to deal with any problem.

ALL OUR PROBLEMS ARE ONE PROBLEM

Let’s first look at the kinds of problems most of us face:

•Distraction.

•Procrastination.

•Self-doubt.

•Unhappiness with ourselves.

•Anger at our spouses or kids.

•Frustration with a co-worker.

•Anger at other drivers in traffic.

•Failure at habit change such as exercise.

•Unhappiness with our bodies.

•Indecision or self-doubt.

•Being held back by fear.

•Relationship problems.

•Annoyance with people who make bad choices.

•Loneliness.

•Difficulty forgiving yourself or others.

In Buddhist terms, these are all forms of "suffering." I know, it’s not the kind of suffering you might normally imagine, like someone dying of a painful disease or being tortured by captors. But it’s a form of suffering, in that we are unhappy or dissatisfied or feeling bad in some way. It’s a low-grade but constant suffering, like a toothache that makes you cranky and hard to be around.

What’s at the heart of all these forms of suffering? It turns out, we’ve already seen it in our explorations of habit change: it’s the Mind Movie, and our attachment to this story, this image in our heads.

As Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron has said, it’s not the things that happen to us that cause us to suffer, "it’s what we say to ourselves about the things that are happen- ing." So the suffering isn’t created by the other person’s actions, or our failure to stick to a habit, or bad external circumstances . . . but by the Mind Movie we’ve made up about those things.

Let’s look at some examples:

1.Matt is upset that his business isn’t doing as well as he’d planned. The problem isn’t in the business, which after all is just the market telling him what it thought of what he had to offer at that time. The problem was that he had an ideal about the business’s success (and his own success) that the reality of the business was failing to meet, so he became upset.

His Mind Movie is about him succeeding as a business- person, and he has attached his self-worth to this image. The loss of this image is devastating to him.

2.Sarah is frustrated because she can’t stick to a diet. The problem isn’t in the foods she’s eating or her level of "discipline," but in her feeling bad about the reality of her eating not meeting her ideal, and this feeling of guilt and self-hatred leads to her wanting to comfort herself with food.

The problem also lies in Sarah’s not wanting to deal with the discomfort of eating a different diet than she’s used to-the reality of this discomfort doesn’t meet her expectation or ideal of being comfortable and enjoying her food.

3.Kayla is tired of working out and just wants to play video games. The problem isn’t the difficulty of the workouts, but that the discomfort of working out doesn’t meet her ideal of being comfortable. She’d rather quit than face this reality.

4.Chris is stuck in his job, unhappy, and afraid to start the business he’s always wanted to create. The problem isn’t his job, which after all is fine but doesn’t meet his ideal of owning his own business and working for himself. The problem isn’t that starting a business is too scary, but that it’s not full of certainty that he’ll know what he’s doing and succeed at it.

He has an ideal of complete comfort and success, and his fear is that it won’t come true.

5.Julie procrastinates on writing her book and goes to her usual distractions. The problem isn’t that she’s lazy, but that she also has an ideal of success and comfort, and she procrastinates out of fear of facing an uncomfortable task that has uncertainty and the possibility of failure.

We all face this One Problem of the Mind Movie, over and over, every day. In many forms. We cling to the Mind Movie we’ve made up and suffer when it doesn’t meet up with reality. It’s not that we have created the Mind Movie-it’s that we’re attached to it, and we cling to it tightly.

This is the heart of all our problems, and if we can learn to deal with this heart, we can cope with any life change, any frustration, any suffering.

WHY WE CLING

Let’s go a little philosophical for a moment, and look deeper into why we cling to the Mind Movies we’ve created.

If this attachment to our Mind Movies causes so many problems and suffering, why do we even do it?

We cling to the Mind Movie because it seems nice, and safe, and comfortable. Having an image of ourselves as a successful person, a good person, with comfort and happiness . . . this is comforting. Thinking of ourselves as having no security, no comfort, no certainty . . . this is scary.

So we fear not having this Mind Movie, the uncertainty and insecurity and discomfort of it. This fear drives us to cling.

But life is not secure, nor certain, nor comfortable all the time. It is everchanging, impermanent, unpredictable. We fear this impermanence. We fear the change.

So this is the central problem: life is impermanent, and we fear that. We want security, certainty, comfort, not impermanence and uncertainty. This is the central conflict, the tension between what we’d like (our ideals) and the impermanence of reality.

The solution, of course, is to embrace the impermanence. Embrace the reality of each moment. We’ll go further into that in the next chapter.

MISSION: SEE THE SUFFERING

As you go through your day today, try to notice times when you’re frustrated, angry, fearful, irritated, procrastinating, feeling bad about yourself. These are all forms of suffering. Learn to recognize them, and then see if you can find the Mind Movie playing in your head that causes the suffering. This takes practice, but it’s there. Journal about it.

26 - Dealing with the Heart

It was one of a number of days when I was in an argument with a loved one-I won’t name names, to protect the innocent-but this time was a little different. I caught myself in the middle of frustration and anger with this loved one, and I thought, "What am I doing?"

I was mad because I wanted the person to be the way I wished them to be. Why couldn’t they just be that way? Then I realized how crazy that was, to expect other people to be the way I wanted them to be. To expect the world to behave the way I wished it would. To expect reality to match up to my ideals, as if my ideals were more important than anything else.

This was the trap of the Mind Movie we discussed in the last chapter. We explored how this is the heart of any problem . . . but how do we deal with that heart?

In my argument, I was lucky enough to be able to pause. I saw the Mind Movie that was causing my anger, and saw how it was unrealistic and unhelpful. I thought, "What if I let go of this ideal (how the other person should act) for a minute, and just look at them as they are?"

Then I realized that I had two choices: I could either wish they met up with my ideal, and be frustrated, un- happy, and harm my relationship with them . . . or I could melt into who they are and accept who they are, and see the beauty in who they are. And in the process, be hap- pier, less frustrated, and a better friend.

HOW TO MELT

The choice was easy, of course: it’s much better to accept the other person as she is. My problem was that I didn’t want to accept her. I wanted her to meet my ideals. I resisted letting go of my ideals, and as we’ve seen, resistance can be difficult.

What worked for me was to melt my resistance. I imagined my resistance as a hard substance that created tension in my body, that was tightly holding onto my ideals, that resisted what the other person was doing. I had to melt away that tightness, that tension, and that resistance.

This melting is literally a softening of yourself: your body relaxes, your jaw unclenches perhaps, your mind softens to the idea. It’s not always easy, and it takes me some deep breaths.

In this argument, it took some melting, but it worked. I felt better, I apologized, I saw the beauty in this person, and I gave thanks for it.

SEE THE PLUM BLOSSOM

It turns out that the answer for dealing with the heart of every problem is something we already dealt with as we worked on changing a habit: the Plum Blossom.

As the blossom reaches the peak of its beauty, it is about to die. Think about this for a moment: as we behold this astonishing beauty, we might wish it would last forever. This wish is a Mind Movie: a desire, an ideal, for this beauty to stay with us longer. This desire, this wish, this ideal . . .

it will only result in heartbreak, as the reality of this blossom is that it is dying and will soon be gone. Reality doesn’t match our Mind Movie, so we will suffer.

Instead, we might breathe in the beauty of this blossom, but accept its impermanence. We might accept the reality of the situation, which is that the beauty is here for a moment but fleeting, soon to be gone. We might see the beauty in that reality-that the blossom is even more beautiful and poignant because it is transient.

This is how to deal with the One Problem: let go of the Mind Movie, and instead see the beauty in the reality of the situation. Appreciate it.

I let go of my expectations of my loved one and saw the beauty in who they actually were. And I was grateful for it.

If we can learn to appreciate others, or ourselves, or external situations, just as they are, we will be happier, more at peace.

We can deal with any situation in peace, if we accept and appreciate the reality of the situation.

We can accept the Noisy Children and find gratitude for them.

We can accept ourselves for the beautiful people that we are and appreciate the wonderful qualities we actually have.

We can accept the illnesses that befall our loved ones and appreciate those loved ones while they’re here, more poignant because of their impermanence.

We can embrace that impermanence, embrace the reality, and be grateful it is as it is.

MISSION: ACCEPT SOMEONE TODAY

As you go about your day, be mindful of your expectations and frustrations with other people or yourself. See the frustration, irritation, anger arise, and see that your Mind Movie (ideals, expectations, wishes) is the cause. Instead, see the beauty in the Plum Blossom of the per- son: they are who they are, and that is beautiful. Accept and appreciate them (or yourself). Journal about it.

27 - Forget the Self

One day I was running in Golden Gate Park, and I lost myself.

I had been purposely putting my attention on my body, my feet touching the ground, the trees and air and light around me, and I expanded my attention to include all of this at once.

As I immersed myself in the moment, a funny thing happened: I disappeared.

Not literally, of course-my body was still there. And I didn’t have an out-of-body or some other mystical experience. It was just that I lost focus for a moment on the idea that there is a Self called "Leo." I stopped thinking about myself, and it was really strange, because apparently I think about myself in some form or another all the time, in the background.

Of course, as soon as I realized that my idea of Self had disappeared, it came back. But the funny thing is, I’ve found that place again, numerous times, the more I practice being in the moment.

Who cares? What’s the point of forgetting the Self? Well, if you consider that we spend a lot of our time suffering in various ways because we’re worried about failing or being rejected or not being good enough, you can see that all this fear and suffering is a result of worrying about the Self.

And if we can forget about the Self for a few moments, we’re free of that worry.

Picture someone walking along, thinking to himself, "I’m special!" and seeing an image of himself in his head of how special he is. And then he runs into a tree, because he’s so busy looking at that mental image of his specialness that he forgets to watch where he’s going.

We’re walking into trees all the time, thinking about our specialness. This is the Childish Mind we talked about earlier, wanting to be special and important and get attention and have everyone love it. The Childish Mind demands protection from scary things and comfort and pleasure.

It doesn’t care about other people as much as getting its way, not being attacked or criticized, not being in discomfort. And it gets angry if any of this is threatened.

An example: I want my book to be great, and everyone to think I’m a great (and special) writer . . . and so I fear that it won’t be received well, and people won’t think highly of me (won’t think I’m special). As a result of this fear of not being special, I procrastinate on the writing. I don’t want to fail at being special.

Another example: I want to lose weight and get into shape, and so I’m motivated by this desire to be awe- some and sexy (and special). But then not eating all the food I love, and having to do hard exercise, is uncomfortable-and I shouldn’t have to be in discomfort if I’m special! So I put it off until later.

Also, when I exercise, I might feel awkward and ugly and clumsy and weak and sweaty and gross, which doesn’t support our specialness. And so we put it off.

All of this suffering because of my Childish Mind’s desire to be special. To be someone unique, honored, respected, loved. Which is a very normal desire, to be sure . . . but what if we could let go of this need to be special? What if the Self that we put above all else could be forgotten for a minute, and we could just be in the world and enjoy the world and not worry about the Self?

Then doing the exercise habit would be easier, because you just do it and mindfully experience the exercise, as it is, without worrying so much about yourself.

Then writing would be easier, because you know you’re doing it for someone else, not for your own glory, and so doing it becomes a pleasure, a way of helping, a way of giving rather than something that might result in you not being raised on a pedestal.

Do it for the love of others, not yourself. Do it to help others end their suffering, not to prevent your own.

We also don’t have to be defensive when we think someone is criticizing us, because there’s no special Self to defend. We don’t have to be attached to finding pleasure and comfort for ourselves, because there’s no special Self to build a comfortable nest around. We can let go of the defensiveness, selfishness, worry about rejection, worry about judgment.

HOW TO FORGET THE SELF

It turns out you don’t need to focus on banishing the Self, or erasing or destroying it. You simply forget about it for a moment or two, maybe a little longer, by focusing on other things.

Let’s say you’re meditating. The Self, the Childish Mind, starts to assert itself, grumbling about being uncomfortable, worried about something you have to do later today, replaying a conversation you had earlier that was frustrating or embarrassing.

You see all of this, and you acknowledge the Self and its fears and desires. Watching this, you realize it’s nothing new, same old Self, same old Childish Mind, and that it will pass.

Now you turn your attention on your breath, and stay with it for a moment. As you’re experiencing the breath, you forget the Self.

In that moment, the Self is gone.

You can’t simultaneously be fully immersed in the moment and also worried about the Self. You can switch back and forth, but you can’t do both, or you’re not really immersed in the moment.

So you focus on the breath, the body, the full range of shapes and colors and sounds all around you in the room you’re in, and you are immersed in the present moment. In this instant, you have forgotten the Self.

Then the Self comes back, as urges and thoughts arise in your head, and you acknowledge these but know they will pass. They do, as you turn back to the present moment, and forget the Self again.

This is the process: acknowledge the Self but know that it will pass, return to the moment and forget the Self, repeat.

This is what we do when we meditate. We practice for- getting the Self.

We can do this in other parts of our lives. As we go for a walk or a run, we can immerse ourselves in that activity and forget the Self for a few moments. We can play a sport, ride a bike, wash dishes, take a shower, and be completely at one with those activities, and forget the Self.

It’s harder when the activity is more mental, like writing or talking, but even in those activities, there’s the thought you’re trying to express or process, and you can be completely at one with that thought.

Forgetting the self is as simple as putting oneself completely into the present moment.

MISSION: FORGET THE SELF

As you do your habit today, practice putting your attention on your breath, then your body, then on every detail of your physical surroundings, from light to textures to sounds to small things your eyes can notice. If your Childish Mind, your Self, tries to re-assert itself, smile, and then return your attention to something physical around you.

Keep doing this process the entire time you do your habit.

28 - Zen in the middle of chaos: How to get good at change

For about eight years, I worked in the newsroom of a medium-sized newspaper, covering sports and then later politics and then crime. This newsroom started out quiet in the mornings but would usually be thrumming in the late afternoons as the pace of news picked up.

Some days, chaos would break out. A huge disaster, like a plane crash or a storm, would send everyone scrambling, tensions would rise, everything would change. I would be in the middle of this chaos, and I was completely stressed out.

What I realized during one of these chaotic episodes was that my stress came from my natural order being disrupted, plans being thrown out and new information coming at me all at once. The situation wasn’t stable, but constantly changing, and I wanted stability.

So I decided to let go of that ideal of stability and embrace the constant change. Be happy with the flux. I took a breath, smiled, and let the flurry of activity soak into me, and I embraced it. Then I took action, doing a task and focusing on that, not on all the other things I had to do.

When something new would come up, I’d embrace the change, let go of the task I was working on, and be entirely with the new task.

I smiled. I’d found Zen in the middle of chaos, without realizing it.

Whenever things get a little crazy, and my stress levels rise, this newsroom episode is the model for how to find peace despite the chaos of change.

I think of myself as a river: constantly flowing, continually changing, with new water and debris (events and in- formation) flowing through it all the time. I could try to bottle it all up and keep things the same, but that wouldn’t work because there’s always new water flowing through. I can hope that my plans stay fixed and try to freeze every- thing, but the water flows too quickly to freeze.

In other words, all my attempts to control things should be abandoned, and I should just accept the everchanging, everflowing nature of my life as a river.

It turns out that this model can bring me peace no matter where I am, no matter what’s happening. If plans get disrupted, my day gets interrupted by a sudden crisis, information starts coming at me from everywhere, the pace of events starts quickening . . . I just picture myself as a river, with all of this stuff flowing through me.

I don’t try to hold it, control it, freeze it, but I embrace the flow.

I smile, I breathe, and I focus on one thing. Then the next. Not holding tightly to any of them, or wanting the river to be any certain way.

LETTING GO OF CONTROL

When we let go of the need to control our ever-changing lives, we also let go of the idea that we’ll know how things will turn out, or even that we know how things really are right now.

We have a need to know, but the reality is that we don’t actually know how things will turn out. Plans and goals and ideals are just fantasies, perhaps predictions of the future but not the actuality of the future.

A couple of examples:

1.When I go on a trip, I like to plan out as many details as possible, including not only my flight but hotel

or apartment where I’ll be staying, a list of restaurants I might eat at, transportation, an itinerary, what I might need to pack, and more. This makes me feel in control, like I know how things will turn out, but the truth is that no trip has ever gone as I’ve planned.

Things always come up, things change, the destination is not what I’d imagined, and new opportunities for exploration inevitably present themselves.

This can be frustrating if I try to stick to my plans or expectations of how things will go. So instead, I could let go of the illusion of control, and the idea

that I know how things will go, and plan as minimally as possible. Be open to what might happen, and be happy with however things turn out. I might even be curious to what this trip will be like, instead of thinking I already know.

2.When I have guests over, I do the same kind of planning, imagining how the visit will go, planning out meals in detail and maybe even a plan of what we’ll do, preparing the house and the kids for the visit, and so on. Again, I get a feeling of control, and I think I know how things will go-but again, it never turns out that way.

I could end up frustrated by this, or I could let go of these ideas I have of how things will happen and be open to unpredictable events. There’s no way to know how things will turn out when people get together. We simply don’t know.

What I’ve found useful is telling myself I don’t know what will happen. I don’t even know the full nature of reality at this moment-how can I know what will come in the future?

I replace this feeling of not knowing with curiosity: instead of dreading something, complaining about it, being frustrated by it, fearing it . . . I can be curious about it.

It takes some time to become comfortable with not knowing-it’s not something most of us have learned to be comfortable with. It takes conscious practice.

But once you’re a little more comfortable with this idea of not knowing, you can see that curiosity is a more open stance, once that says, "Hmm, I wonder. I’d like to see what things are like, how they’ll turn out. It could be re- ally interesting!"

And so you approach each moment this way:

•with openness, not fixed plans

•with curiosity, not knowing

•with freedom, not control

•with trust, not fear

•with good intentions, not expectations of outcomes

This is the method for dealing with the constantly changing nature of reality. This is the way to become a master of change.

BUILDING TRUST THAT YOU’LL BE OK

Let’s say that you’re going into a meeting, and you’re nervous. You’ve planned and prepared, you have your objectives and goals, you have visualized how this meeting will go, but you are afraid. You think you might fail or are worried about what they’ll think of you.

In this situation, you are afraid and nervous because you want things to go a certain way: you have a vision for what it will be like to succeed at this meeting, including how people should think of you. You have goals, expectations, fixed outcomes. You are trying to control this event.

Instead, try this: let go of this control. Sure, prepare, but don’t think that it will go a certain way. Don’t feel the need for people to think of you in a certain way, because in truth you can’t control how people will think of you.

Let go of your need to know how things will turn out.

Be open to what happens in the meeting and curious about how things will turn out. Instead of worrying what people will think of you, be curious about what kind of people they are. Be curious about what conversations will emerge.

If you do this, you’ll deal with the relentlessly changing nature of the situation with calm, because no matter how each moment of this meeting turns out, you’re OK with that. You didn’t need it to be a certain way, and you were curious about how it would go. No matter what happens, you learned something. And that’s a wonderful outcome.

In my life, the need to control still arises in me, but when I become aware of it, I’m much better at letting it go now than I used to be. I’m much better at accepting things as they come, rather than needing them to be un- der my control.

In this way, we become masters of change. Life will never go as we expect, but we become OK with that, we accept things as they come, we are open to them, we are curious. In the end, we have trust in the moment, which brings calm and peace as we flow through life.

MISSION: PRACTICE WITHOUT CONTROL

As you do your habit today, practice mindfulness during the activity, and envision yourself as a river that life is flowing through, not controlling the water but experiencing the flow of it. Practice embracing the change, the chaos, the flow.

Also assess your third Habit Sprint in your journal: How many days in the last week have you done the habit? Did you face any obstacles? What can you do to over- come those obstacles in the next week? Add those obstacles and solutions to your Habit Plan.

A note on your plan: Don’t take this as a fixed plan, but rather a way to reflect on what environment works best for you, and a way to put in writing the adjustments and flows you’re making along the way.

29 - Progress gradually, change normal

When I first started trying to eat healthier, about nine years ago, I hated the taste of kale. I read that kale was very healthy, so I excitedly went to the grocery store and bought some, fantasizing about how this vegetable was going to change my body into a health machine.

Then I put some in a salad, and made a face. It was bitter! It was way stronger-tasting than the lettuce I was used to, so I didn’t like it. And I didn’t go back to kale for several months, the memory of my first kale experience leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.

A funny thing happened, though . . . I gave kale another chance, and just added a little to the stir-fry dish I was making. It wasn’t my favorite, but it wasn’t too bad. A little at a time, I kept adding kale to various dishes, and I gradually came to think of it as normal, even tasting good. Now it’s one of my favorite vegetables, and I eat it almost every day.

How does this change in my taste buds happen? Some new changes are so drastic that they create a shock in our brains, but smaller changes are more palatable. And eventually, over time, our minds adjust so that this new change becomes not different, but normal.

This happened to me so many times I lost count: I learned to like quinoa, brown rice, tofu, soymilk, tempeh, and so many vegetables. I learned to enjoy running, meditation, decluttering. All by making a small change, and then adjusting to it, then making another small change and adjusting to that, and so on.

This is the process of gradual change, and it’s powerful. Our minds reject large changes when we try to undergo them, and yet we often take on big changes with enthusiasm only to fail after a few days or a week. Our minds are OK with small changes, and soon those changes become the new normal.

Think of it like this: if you plunge into really cold water, you’ll be shocked, and you’ll hate it. But if you go into water that’s only a little colder than room temperature, it won’t seem too bad. After awhile, it’ll feel pretty nor- mal. Then if the water’s temperature drops a little more, it won’t seem too bad, and soon that will become nor- mal. You adjust.

When it comes to changing your life, don’t plunge into the freezing water. You’ll soon get out of the water and be afraid of going in again.

Instead, take a dip in slightly cool water. Make a very small change. adapt to that, then make another. Gradually, through a series of small changes, you’ll see amazing progress.

When I started running, I couldn’t run for 10 minutes, so I ran for five. Then that became easy and I ran for seven. Through gradual improvement, I eventually ran a 5K race, then a half marathon, then several marathons. Last year, I ran a 50-mile ultramarathon. To me, that was amazing, but I would have failed miserably if I’d tried to do that from the beginning.

I’d come a long way, through gradual progression.

MISSION: TAKE ANOTHER SMALL STEP

If you’ve been doing your habit for a few weeks, you’ll be pretty used to it by now. See if you can make a small increase in how long you do the habit today. Nothing too much, just a barely noticeable increase. Let yourself adjust to that for a week, then increase a small bit again. Gradually adapt and create a new normal, then gradually add a little more.

PART V - Habit Troubleshooting

If you’re ever having trouble with a habit, feel free to come back to this section as a reference. If you haven’t faced these problems yet, let’s go through this section just to prepare you for possible bumps in the path ahead. Everyone has troubles sometimes-here’s a practical guide to dealing with those troubles.

30 - When others don’t support our changes

I’m incredibly lucky-my wife Eva is not only drop-dead gorgeous but also supportive of my habit changes. Sometimes she even joins me! What fun that is: doing a work- out challenge together, encouraging each other to stick to a new diet change, doing pushup challenges with the kids.

But I haven’t always been so lucky. Early on, sometimes Eva would be resistant to some of my changes (though she was usually great). Other times, the kids didn’t like our ideas of paring down or changing our diet. More often, the resistance came from other friends or family members who didn’t understand why we were home-schooling or becoming vegetarian (then vegan).